Summary
It can be difficult to see someone you care about struggling with their mental health. Whether it is your friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, sibling, parent or another person who matters to you, you might feel worried about them, unsure what to say or frightened that things could get worse. You may notice changes in their mood, behaviour or usual routines. They might seem quieter than usual, become more irritable, stop enjoying things they used to like, withdraw from friends or find it difficult to manage school, college, work or everyday responsibilities. Sometimes, people will tell you directly that they are struggling, while others may hide how they feel because they are embarrassed, worried about being judged or unsure how to explain what is happening.
When someone you care about is finding things difficult, it is natural to want to help. You might try to cheer them up, offer advice or find a way to fix whatever is upsetting them. However, you cannot always make someone’s problems go away, and they may not be ready to talk or accept help straight away. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, show that you care and let them know they do not have to face things alone. Small gestures, such as checking in, spending time together, sending a kind message or asking how their day has been, can help someone feel less isolated.
Supporting someone else can also affect your own mental health. You might worry about them when you are apart, feel responsible for keeping them safe or become anxious when they do not reply to your messages. You may find yourself putting their needs before your own, missing out on things you enjoy or feeling guilty whenever you have a good day. You might even feel frustrated, upset or exhausted, especially if you have been trying to help for a long time. These feelings do not mean you are a bad friend or that you care any less about the person. Supporting someone who is struggling can be emotionally difficult, particularly when you are dealing with your own challenges too.
It is important to remember that you are not responsible for fixing another person’s mental health. You can care about them, listen to their concerns and encourage them to seek help, but you cannot control how they feel or make every decision for them. You are allowed to have your own needs, spend time with other people, enjoy yourself and take breaks from difficult conversations. You do not need to be available all the time or know exactly what to say. You are their friend or family member, not their therapist, and you deserve support and care too.
If someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide, hurting themselves or that they do not feel safe, it is important to take them seriously. You might worry that telling someone else will upset them or damage your relationship, but you should not have to manage a serious concern alone. Speaking to a trusted adult or professional can help keep them safe. You can respect someone’s privacy while recognising that there are times when getting help is more important than keeping a secret.
How to help myself
When someone you care about is struggling, you might spend a lot of time thinking about them and worrying about how they are feeling. You may find yourself checking your phone constantly, replaying conversations in your head or wondering whether you have said or done the right thing. Although it is understandable to worry, carrying these concerns all the time can leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Try to notice how the situation is affecting you, including whether you are sleeping less, struggling to concentrate, feeling anxious or finding it difficult to enjoy your usual activities.
Make time for things that help you feel like yourself. This might include seeing other friends, listening to music, playing games, exercising, spending time outside, watching a favourite programme or doing something creative. You might feel guilty about having fun when someone you care about is struggling, but you are allowed to enjoy your life even when someone else is having a difficult time. Taking a break does not mean you have forgotten about them or stopped caring. Looking after your own wellbeing can help you feel more able to support them when you are together.
Try to maintain your other relationships and routines rather than allowing all your time and energy to become focused on one person. You can still spend time with other friends, attend school or college, take part in activities and have conversations that are not about mental health. If you feel that you are becoming someone’s only source of support, encourage them to speak to other people they trust too. Having more than one person to turn to can help them access support while taking some pressure off you.
It is okay to set boundaries around when and how you offer support. You might want to help a friend but feel too tired to have a long conversation late at night, or you may be struggling with something yourself and not feel able to listen properly. You can be honest about this without making the other person feel unwanted. For example, you could say, “I care about you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed tonight. Can we talk tomorrow? If things feel unsafe before then, please contact a trusted adult or someone who can help.” You do not have to reply to every message immediately, stay awake all night or stop doing things you enjoy to prove that you care.
Remember that you cannot control another person’s feelings or choices. You may offer advice, encourage them to speak to someone or help them find support, but they may not always be ready to accept it. This can feel frustrating or frightening, especially if you believe you know what would help. Try to remind yourself that their recovery is not your responsibility alone. You can continue to care about them while recognising that you cannot solve everything for them. If you are worried about their safety, however, involve a trusted adult or professional rather than feeling that you must handle the situation yourself.
You may also experience difficult emotions, such as sadness, anger, jealousy, worry or frustration. For example, you might feel hurt if your friend cancels plans repeatedly, upset if they push you away or frustrated if they do not follow the advice you have offered. These feelings are understandable. You can acknowledge them without judging yourself, and you do not need to pretend that the situation is not affecting you. Talking to another trusted person about your own feelings can help, provided you respect the privacy of the person you are supporting and avoid sharing unnecessary personal details.
If the situation is affecting your own mental health, speak to someone you trust. This could be another friend, a parent or guardian, a teacher, a school counsellor, a youth worker or your GP. You do not have to wait until you reach breaking point before asking for help. You can explain that you are worried about someone and finding it difficult to cope with the situation yourself. You deserve support in your own right, even if you are not the person who originally needed help.
How to help a loved one
One of the most helpful things you can do is let the person know that you have noticed they may be struggling and that you care about them. You do not need to make a big speech or find the perfect words. You could send a message asking how they are doing, check in during a break at school or college, or ask if they want to spend some time together. If you are worried about changes in their behaviour, try to explain what you have noticed without making assumptions. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a bit quieter lately, and I wanted to check if you’re okay.”
If they decide to talk, listen and give them time to explain how they feel. You do not need to have all the answers or immediately suggest ways to fix the problem. Sometimes, people simply want someone to listen without judging them or telling them what they should do. You could say, “That sounds really difficult,” “I’m glad you told me” or “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather do something together for a bit?” Try to avoid dismissing their feelings with comments such as “It could be worse”, “Just cheer up” or “You’re overthinking it”. Even if you are trying to reassure them, these comments can leave someone feeling that their emotions are not being taken seriously.
Ask what kind of support they would find helpful rather than assuming you know what they need. They might want to talk, spend time together, receive help with something practical or have support finding someone else to speak to. You could offer to sit with them at lunch, walk home together, help them catch up on schoolwork or accompany them when they speak to a trusted adult. Small, specific offers can be easier to accept than simply saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”
If they do not want to talk, try not to take this personally. They might feel embarrassed, not know how to explain their feelings or worry about how you will react. Let them know you are there if they change their mind, and continue treating them as your friend rather than making every conversation about their mental health. You could still send them a message, invite them to do something or spend time together without asking lots of questions. However, if you are worried that they may be unsafe, do not rely only on waiting for them to open up. Seek advice from a trusted adult.
Encourage them to get additional support if they have been struggling for a while, their difficulties are getting worse or their mental health is affecting everyday life. You could suggest speaking to a parent or guardian, teacher, school counsellor, youth worker or GP. If they are nervous about asking for help, you might offer to go with them or help them think about what to say. You can also show them support services they can contact themselves. You do not have to make them accept help, but you can make it easier for them to take the first step.
If the person’s behaviour is affecting you or your friendship, it is okay to acknowledge this too. Someone who is struggling may withdraw, cancel plans, become irritable or find it difficult to respond to messages. Their mental health may help explain their behaviour, but this does not mean that your feelings no longer matter. You can be understanding while being honest about how something affects you. Try to talk about the specific behaviour and how you feel rather than blaming or labelling the person. Healthy friendships need care and understanding in both directions.
What if they tell me something serious?
If someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide, hurting themselves, being hurt by someone else or feeling unsafe, take what they say seriously. You might feel shocked, frightened or unsure what to say, but you do not need to have the perfect response. Listen calmly, thank them for telling you and let them know that they deserve help. You can ask directly whether they are thinking about suicide or whether they are in immediate danger. Asking about suicide does not put the idea into someone’s head; it can help them feel able to talk honestly about what they are experiencing.
Do not promise to keep serious concerns secret, even if the person asks you to. You might worry that they will become angry or stop trusting you, but you should not have to carry something this serious on your own. Explain that you care about them and want to help keep them safe, so you need to involve someone who can help. This could be a parent or guardian, a trusted teacher, a school safeguarding lead, a youth worker or another responsible adult. If you do not feel safe telling someone in their family, choose another trusted adult or contact an appropriate support service.
If you think the person may be in immediate danger, has taken an overdose, seriously injured themselves or may act on suicidal thoughts imminently, get urgent help. Call 999 or go to A&E. If possible, stay with them or make sure a trusted adult is with them while help is arranged. Do not put yourself in danger or try to manage an emergency alone.
You can continue to support someone after involving an adult. You might explain what is happening, reassure them that you still care about them and let them know they do not have to deal with things alone. Getting help is not betraying your friend. It is recognising that the situation needs more support than one young person can reasonably provide.
Myth Buster
Myth: If I am a good friend, I should be able to make them feel better
Truth: You cannot fix every problem or make difficult feelings disappear. Listening, showing that you care and helping them find support can still make a real difference
Myth: I am a bad friend if I need a break from supporting them
Truth: You are allowed to rest, enjoy yourself and spend time with other people. Taking a break does not mean you care any less
Myth: I have to reply to every message straight away
Truth: You do not need to be available 24 hours a day. You can respond when you are able, and the person should have other sources of support if they need urgent help
Myth: If they do not want help, there is nothing I can do
Truth: You can keep showing that you care, encourage them to speak to someone and offer practical support. If you are worried about their safety, involve a trusted adult rather than trying to manage it alone
Myth: Telling an adult about their struggles means betraying their trust
Truth: You should respect their privacy, but you should not keep serious safety concerns secret. Getting help can protect them, even if they feel upset about it initially
Myth: I should not talk about my own problems when my friend is struggling
Truth: Your feelings matter too. You can care about someone and still need support with your own difficulties. Speaking to a trusted person can help you manage the situation
Myth: If they are having a difficult time, I should accept anything they do
Truth: Mental health difficulties can affect how someone behaves, but you are still allowed to have boundaries. You can be understanding while recognising when behaviour is hurting you or making you feel unsafe
Support
If you are worried about someone you care about, you do not have to manage the situation on your own. You can speak to a trusted adult, such as a parent or guardian, teacher, school counsellor, youth worker or GP. If you are worried about a friend’s safety and are unsure what to do, tell an adult who can help you decide on the next steps. You do not need to be certain what is wrong or have all the details before asking for advice.
If you are struggling because of someone else’s mental health, you can also access support for yourself. You might talk to someone you trust, contact a helpline or speak to your GP or school wellbeing team. You do not need to wait until the situation becomes a crisis to ask for help. If supporting someone is affecting your sleep, friendships, schoolwork or ability to enjoy everyday life, that is a good reason to speak to someone.
Therapy interventions
Therapy can provide a safe, confidential space to explore your thoughts, feelings and experiences with a trained professional. If you are struggling yourself or finding it difficult to support someone you care about, therapy can help you understand your emotions, develop healthy coping strategies, improve communication and establish boundaries. It can also help you manage feelings of guilt, worry, frustration or helplessness. You do not need to be experiencing a mental health crisis to benefit from therapy, and seeking support for yourself does not mean you care any less about the other person.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – CBT explores how thoughts, feelings and behaviours influence one another. It can help someone identify unhelpful thinking patterns, manage anxiety and develop practical ways to cope with difficult situations. For example, a person who feels responsible for fixing a loved one’s problems may learn to recognise what is within their control and set more realistic expectations.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – ACT helps people make space for difficult thoughts and feelings while taking action that reflects their values. It may help someone remain caring and supportive while accepting that they cannot control another person’s choices or recovery.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – CFT helps people develop a kinder, more understanding response towards themselves and others. It may be useful for someone who feels guilty about being frustrated, needing time away or struggling to cope with a loved one’s difficulties.
- Mindfulness-based approaches – These approaches help people pay attention to the present moment without immediately reacting to every thought or feeling. They can support emotional regulation and help someone pause before responding to a stressful conversation.
- Supportive counselling – Counselling provides a space to explore emotions, relationships, boundaries and the impact of supporting someone who is struggling. It can help people process feelings of worry, grief, frustration or helplessness and consider ways to look after their own wellbeing.
- Family or relationship therapy – Where appropriate, family or relationship therapy can help people communicate more openly, understand each other’s experiences and work through difficulties in their relationships. It may be useful when one person’s mental health is affecting the wider family or partnership.
Helplines
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.giveusashout.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
