Summary
Shame and guilt are emotions that can arise when someone believes they have done something wrong, caused harm, failed to meet expectations or fallen short of their own values. Although they can feel very similar, they tend to focus on different aspects of a person’s experience. Guilt is usually focused on something someone has done or believes they have done, whereas shame can involve a negative judgement of the whole self. For example, guilt may sound like “I did something wrong”, while shame may feel more like “I am a bad person” or “There is something wrong with me”.
Guilt can be a useful emotion when it reflects genuine responsibility for something that has happened. It may encourage someone to recognise the impact of their behaviour, apologise, repair harm or make a different choice in the future. Healthy guilt is usually connected to a specific behaviour and can provide information about whether someone’s actions have gone against their values. However, guilt is not always an accurate reflection of responsibility. Someone may feel guilty about something that was outside their control, believe they should have prevented something that they could not have prevented or take responsibility for another person’s feelings or behaviour.
Shame tends to involve a broader and more painful judgement of the self. Someone experiencing shame may feel defective, inadequate, unworthy, unacceptable or fundamentally different from other people. Rather than thinking “I did something I regret”, they may think “I am the problem” or “People would reject me if they knew the truth”. Shame can create a strong desire to hide, withdraw or avoid situations where someone believes they may be judged or exposed. This can make it particularly difficult to talk about experiences that are already causing distress.
Shame and guilt can also influence how someone responds to mistakes. A person experiencing guilt may be more likely to focus on what they can do differently or how they can repair a situation. Shame can instead lead someone to focus on attacking or punishing themselves. They may repeatedly replay an event, call themselves names, believe they do not deserve forgiveness or avoid people because they feel embarrassed or unworthy. This means that two people who have made a similar mistake can experience very different emotional responses depending on how they interpret what happened.
Both emotions can be influenced by experiences and messages someone has received throughout their life. Family relationships, cultural expectations, education, religion, social environments and previous experiences can all contribute to beliefs about what is acceptable, unacceptable, successful or worthy. Experiences such as criticism, bullying, rejection, abuse, neglect or trauma can also contribute to deeply held beliefs that someone is bad, responsible for other people’s behaviour or undeserving of care. However, experiencing shame or guilt does not necessarily mean that someone has actually done something wrong.
Shame and guilt can also develop in response to situations where someone had limited control. People may feel guilty for becoming unwell, needing support, struggling with responsibilities or being unable to meet expectations. Someone may feel ashamed of aspects of their appearance, relationships, background, behaviour or experiences that they believe others will judge. These feelings can be particularly difficult when the person has been blamed or judged by others for circumstances that were not their fault.
When shame or guilt become intense or persistent, they can affect mental health and everyday life. Someone may experience low self-esteem, anxiety, low mood, social withdrawal, rumination or difficulties trusting other people. They may avoid situations where they fear judgement, repeatedly seek reassurance, struggle to accept compliments or find it difficult to believe that they deserve support. Persistent shame can also make it harder to disclose difficult experiences because someone may fear being blamed, rejected or judged.
Shame and guilt can affect relationships in different ways. Someone who feels guilty may repeatedly apologise, try to compensate for what they believe they have done or become overly concerned about upsetting other people. Someone experiencing shame may withdraw, avoid intimacy or push people away because they believe they are unworthy of being cared about. They may also find it difficult to accept reassurance because positive feedback conflicts with deeply held negative beliefs about themselves.
It can be helpful to distinguish responsibility from blame. Taking appropriate responsibility for something someone has done can involve acknowledging the impact, apologising and making reasonable changes. Blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong is different and can involve taking responsibility for things that were outside your control. Similarly, recognising that something was harmful does not necessarily mean that the person involved is entirely defined by that action.
Shame and guilt can sometimes overlap with other emotions. Someone may experience sadness about what happened, anxiety about what others think, anger towards themselves or fear that the situation will happen again. Physical sensations can also accompany these emotions, such as feeling tense, sick, flushed, having a racing heart or wanting to hide. People experience these emotions differently, and there is no single way that shame or guilt will appear.
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame can help someone respond to these emotions more compassionately. Guilt can sometimes provide useful information about behaviour and values, while shame can encourage someone to make a much broader judgement about their worth as a person. Making mistakes, experiencing difficulties or needing support does not make someone fundamentally bad or unworthy. When shame or guilt become difficult to manage, talking to someone trusted or seeking professional support can provide an opportunity to explore where these feelings come from and whether the responsibility being carried is actually theirs.
How to help myself
Try to notice whether you are experiencing guilt about something you have done or shame about who you believe you are. Guilt can sometimes provide useful information about a behaviour or situation, while shame can lead to much broader and harsher judgements about yourself. Asking yourself “What have I actually done?” and “What am I telling myself this means about me?” can help you separate your actions from your sense of self.
If you have genuinely hurt someone, focus on what you can reasonably do to take responsibility. This might involve acknowledging what happened, apologising, repairing harm where possible and thinking about what you would do differently in the future. Once you have taken appropriate responsibility, try to avoid repeatedly punishing yourself. Making a mistake does not mean that you need to continue suffering indefinitely.
Challenge thoughts that place responsibility on you for things that were outside your control. You may find yourself thinking that you should have known better, prevented something from happening or managed a situation differently. Consider what you knew, what control you actually had at the time and whether you would expect someone else to have been able to do anything differently in the same circumstances.
Try to speak to yourself with the same understanding that you would offer someone you care about. If a friend made the same mistake or experienced the same situation, consider whether you would call them a bad person or whether you would recognise that they are human and deserving of compassion. Replacing harsh self-criticism with a more balanced perspective does not mean ignoring responsibility; it means recognising that your actions do not define your entire worth.
Notice when shame or guilt is making you want to withdraw from other people. Avoiding friends, family or situations where you fear judgement can provide temporary relief but may reinforce the belief that you are unacceptable or that other people will reject you. Where it feels safe, consider staying connected with people who make you feel accepted and allowing yourself to be supported rather than dealing with difficult emotions entirely on your own.
Give yourself permission to experience difficult emotions without immediately trying to get rid of them. Shame and guilt can feel intense and may come with physical sensations such as tension, nausea, a racing heart or a strong urge to hide. Grounding techniques, slow breathing, journalling or taking some time away from a stressful situation can help you regulate these feelings before deciding what you need to do next.
Be careful about repeatedly replaying situations in your mind. Reflecting on what happened can help you learn from an experience, but repeatedly analysing the same event without reaching a new understanding can become rumination and may make shame and guilt stronger. If you notice yourself going over the same situation repeatedly, try asking whether there is anything useful you can do now or whether you are simply punishing yourself.
Remember that you are allowed to move forward. You can acknowledge something you regret, learn from it and still have relationships, goals and experiences that are meaningful to you. You do not have to remain defined by something that happened in the past, and experiencing guilt or shame does not mean that you are undeserving of support, forgiveness or compassion.
If shame or guilt are persistent, overwhelming or affecting your relationships, work, education or everyday life, consider speaking to someone you trust or seeking professional support. You do not need to wait until these feelings become unmanageable before asking for help.
How to help a loved one
Listen without immediately judging, dismissing or trying to solve the situation. Someone experiencing shame may already believe that they are a bad person or that other people will reject them, so criticism or harsh responses can reinforce these beliefs. Give them space to talk about what happened and how they feel, while letting them decide how much they are comfortable sharing.
Try to understand whether they are experiencing guilt, shame or both. If they have done something that caused harm, support them to think about what they can reasonably do to take responsibility, such as apologising or making amends. At the same time, help them recognise that taking responsibility for a specific action is different from believing that they are a fundamentally bad or unworthy person.
Avoid telling them that they should simply stop feeling guilty or ashamed. These emotions can feel very real and difficult to control, even when the person’s interpretation of a situation may not be accurate. Instead, acknowledge what they are experiencing and gently encourage them to consider whether they are taking responsibility for something that was actually within their control.
Help them challenge excessive self-blame by asking gentle questions about what they knew, what choices they realistically had and whether they could have prevented what happened. You can also encourage them to consider whether they would judge someone else as harshly if that person were in the same situation. This can help create a more balanced perspective without dismissing their feelings.
Be mindful if they begin withdrawing from other people because they feel embarrassed, guilty or unworthy. Let them know that they do not have to deal with these feelings alone and continue to offer connection without putting pressure on them to talk. Simple activities such as spending time together, going for a walk or sharing a meal can help maintain connection when talking feels difficult.
Avoid repeatedly reassuring them that everything is fine if they are stuck in a cycle of guilt or shame. Constant reassurance may provide temporary relief without addressing the underlying beliefs. Instead, encourage them to explore what they are worried about and what they believe the situation says about them. If they keep returning to the same concern, gently encourage them to consider whether continuing to analyse it is helping or simply making them feel worse.
Remind them that making a mistake or experiencing something difficult does not define their entire identity. If they have taken reasonable responsibility for something they regret, they are still allowed to move forward, experience positive emotions and maintain meaningful relationships. Support them to recognise their qualities and the other parts of their identity that exist alongside what has happened.
If shame or guilt are significantly affecting their relationships, work, education, self-esteem or everyday life, encourage them to seek professional support. You could offer to help them access support or accompany them to an appointment if they would find this helpful. If they express thoughts about harming themselves or that they do not deserve to be alive, take this seriously and seek appropriate urgent support.
Myth Buster
Myth: Feeling guilty means you have done something wrong
Truth: Guilt does not always mean that someone is responsible for what happened. People can feel guilty about things that were outside their control or take responsibility for other people’s feelings and actions
Myth: Shame and guilt are the same thing
Truth: Guilt is often focused on something someone has done, while shame can involve a negative judgement of the whole self. Guilt may feel like “I did something wrong”, while shame may feel like “I am a bad person”
Myth: Feeling ashamed means you are a bad person
Truth: Shame is an emotion, not evidence of someone’s worth or character. Experiencing shame does not mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with you
Myth: Feeling guilty means you should punish yourself
Truth: Taking appropriate responsibility can involve acknowledging what happened, apologising or making amends. Continuing to punish yourself is not the same as taking responsibility
Myth: You should never feel guilty
Truth: Guilt can sometimes provide useful information about behaviour and values. It can encourage someone to recognise the impact of their actions and make changes, although excessive or misplaced guilt can become unhelpful
Myth: If you have made a mistake, you should feel ashamed of yourself
Truth: Making a mistake does not mean that someone is a bad person. It is possible to acknowledge an action, learn from it and make changes without defining your entire identity by what happened
Myth: Shame and guilt are only caused by things you have done
Truth: People can experience shame and guilt in response to situations they did not cause or could not control. These emotions can also be influenced by criticism, trauma, relationships, cultural expectations and experiences of being judged by others
Myth: Talking about shame will only make it worse
Truth: Shame can make people want to hide or withdraw, but talking about difficult experiences with someone who is supportive and non-judgemental can help reduce isolation and provide a different perspective
Myth: If someone apologises, they should stop feeling guilty
Truth: An apology can be an important part of taking responsibility, but emotions do not always disappear immediately. Someone may need time to process what happened and develop a more balanced understanding of their responsibility
Myth: You have to forgive yourself straight away
Truth: Self-forgiveness can take time. It is possible to acknowledge what happened, take appropriate responsibility and work towards self-compassion without expecting difficult emotions to disappear immediately
Support
If shame or guilt are beginning to affect your emotional wellbeing, relationships or everyday life, speaking to someone you trust can be a helpful starting point. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, employer, university support service or another trusted person who can listen without judgement. You do not need to have everything worked out before asking for support.
A GP or other healthcare professional can help if feelings of shame or guilt are persistent, overwhelming or difficult to manage. They can explore how these emotions are affecting you and consider whether further support or referral may be appropriate. It can be helpful to explain whether you are experiencing excessive self-blame, repeatedly thinking about past events, withdrawing from others or finding it difficult to move on from something that happened.
Psychological support may be particularly helpful when shame or guilt are connected to anxiety, low mood, trauma, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties or experiences of being judged or blamed. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore where these feelings have come from, distinguish appropriate responsibility from excessive self-blame and develop more balanced ways of thinking about yourself and your experiences.
Support may also be available through school, college, university or work. Pastoral teams, counsellors, wellbeing services, employee assistance programmes and other support services may provide someone to talk to and help you access further support where needed.
If shame or guilt are connected to something that has happened in a relationship, it may also be helpful to speak with someone outside the situation who can provide an objective and supportive perspective. You do not have to disclose details that you are uncomfortable sharing, and you can take time to decide what support feels appropriate.
If feelings of shame or guilt become so intense that you feel unable to cope, feel that you deserve to be punished or have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, seek urgent support. You can contact NHS 111 for urgent mental health advice, or call 999 or attend A&E if there is an immediate risk to life.
Therapy interventions
Therapy can be helpful when shame or guilt are persistent, overwhelming or affecting someone’s emotional wellbeing, relationships or everyday life. The most appropriate approach will depend on the individual’s circumstances and whether these feelings are connected to anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties or other experiences.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – Can help someone identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts and beliefs about responsibility, mistakes and self-worth, while developing more balanced ways of responding to guilt and shame.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – Can be particularly helpful when someone experiences high levels of shame, self-criticism or feelings of inadequacy. It focuses on developing self-compassion and responding to yourself with greater understanding rather than harsh self-judgement.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – Can help someone make space for difficult emotions while reducing the tendency to avoid or become overwhelmed by them. It can also support someone to act in ways that reflect their values rather than being guided entirely by shame or guilt.
- Trauma-Focused Therapy – May be appropriate when persistent shame or guilt are connected to traumatic experiences. It can help someone process the trauma and develop a more balanced understanding of what happened and their responsibility for it.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – Can support people who experience persistent self-criticism and shame by helping them develop a kinder and more balanced relationship with themselves.
- Counselling – Provides a supportive space to explore experiences of shame and guilt, including their impact on relationships, identity, self-esteem and emotional wellbeing.
- Psychoeducation – Can help someone understand the differences between shame, guilt, responsibility and self-blame, and recognise when these emotions may be becoming unhelpful or disproportionate.
Helplines
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2).
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.giveusashout.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is a charity providing support for people who are struggling with their mental health or experiencing emotional distress. They support people with issues including low mood, anxiety, loneliness, stress, suicidal thoughts and difficult life experiences.
Phone: 0800 58 58 58
Opening times: 5pm–midnight, every day
Webchat: 5pm–midnight, every day
WhatsApp: Available through the CALM website
Website: www.thecalmzone.net
