Summary
Moving from primary to secondary school is a significant change for children and their families. It often involves leaving behind a familiar environment, trusted teachers and established friendships to begin a new stage of education. Children may feel excited about new subjects, meeting different people and having greater independence, while also feeling nervous, uncertain or sad about leaving primary school. They may experience several emotions at once, and their feelings can change as the transition approaches. A child who seems excited one day may feel worried the next, while a child who initially appears confident may become more anxious once the new school year begins. These reactions are common and do not necessarily mean that a child will struggle to settle in.
Secondary school often brings changes to many aspects of everyday life. Children may move between different classrooms, work with several teachers, follow a more complicated timetable, carry different equipment and manage more homework. They may need to travel further, use public transport or navigate a larger school building. They may also have more responsibility for organising their belongings, remembering deadlines, managing their time and asking for help when they need it. These changes can feel overwhelming at first, particularly when children are used to having one main classroom and teacher. It can take time to become familiar with new routines, understand expectations and feel confident managing these responsibilities independently.
Social changes can also be an important part of the transition. Children may be separated from close friends, meet pupils from different primary schools or feel uncertain about where they fit in. They may worry about making friends, being accepted, getting lost, being teased or not knowing anyone in their classes. Friendships can change as children develop different interests and become more independent, which may feel unsettling even when the changes are not negative. Social media and group chats can add another layer to these worries, particularly if children feel pressure to fit in, keep up with conversations or respond to messages. Children may not always feel comfortable explaining these concerns to adults, so it can help to create opportunities for them to talk without feeling embarrassed or judged.
The transition to secondary school also coincides with a period of wider development. Children may be experiencing changes in their emotions, relationships, identity and desire for independence. They may become more aware of how they compare with others and feel more sensitive to friendship difficulties or concerns about how they are perceived. At the same time, they are learning to manage greater expectations at school and may be adjusting to new academic demands. Some children may appear more irritable, withdrawn or tired while they adapt. Others may become unusually clingy, ask repeated questions about school or complain of physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches. These changes may reflect stress or uncertainty, although persistent or severe difficulties should not automatically be attributed to the transition.
Every child experiences this change differently. Some settle quickly, while others need more time, reassurance and practical support. Children who experience anxiety, have additional learning needs, are neurodivergent, have experienced bullying or have found previous changes difficult may benefit from more preparation and individualised support. Children who have experienced family changes, bereavement, difficulties with friendships or other stressful events may also find the transition more demanding. This does not mean they cannot enjoy secondary school or develop confidence; it means that their needs may be different, and planning ahead can help them feel more prepared.
Parents, guardians and school staff can help children adjust by talking openly about the transition, practising new routines and acknowledging both the exciting and difficult aspects of the change. Children benefit from having information about what to expect, opportunities to become familiar with their new environment and reassurance that they will not be expected to know everything immediately. It can also help to encourage independence gradually, allowing children to practise skills such as organising their school bag, checking their timetable and asking for help. The aim is not to remove every uncertainty but to help children develop confidence in their ability to manage unfamiliar situations and seek support when needed.
How to help myself
It is normal to have mixed feelings about starting secondary school. You might be excited about meeting new people, learning different subjects and having more independence, but you might also worry about getting lost, making friends, keeping up with your work or fitting in. You do not have to feel excited all the time, and being nervous does not mean you will have a bad experience. Try to identify what you are most worried about rather than thinking about every possible problem at once. For example, if you are worried about getting lost, you could practise looking at your school map or ask a teacher what you should do if you cannot find a classroom. Breaking a big worry into smaller questions can make it feel easier to manage.
Find out as much as you can about your new school before you start. Attend transition days or induction events if they are available, explore the school’s website and read any information you have been given. You might want to find out where you should go when you arrive, what time school starts, how lunch works, which uniform you need and what equipment to bring. If you have the opportunity, practise your journey to school with a parent, guardian or another trusted adult. You could also practise recognising important places, such as reception, the dining hall, toilets and the area where you will meet your friends. You will not need to remember everything straight away, and it is okay to ask staff or other pupils for directions.
Getting organised can help you feel more prepared. Before school starts, practise packing your bag, checking a timetable and making sure you have the things you need for the next day. You could use a checklist near the door or keep important information somewhere easy to find. Once school begins, try to check your timetable and homework instructions regularly rather than relying on memory alone. If you forget something or make a mistake, remind yourself that learning to manage these responsibilities takes practice. You are not expected to be completely independent from the first day, and asking for help is a useful skill rather than a sign that you cannot cope.
If you are worried about making friends, remember that many other pupils will be feeling uncertain too, even if they do not show it. You do not need to make lots of friends immediately or become part of a particular group to have a positive experience. Starting a conversation can be as simple as asking someone what they thought of a lesson, whether they know where to go next or what they enjoy doing. Joining a club, sports team or lunchtime activity can also provide opportunities to meet people who share your interests. Try to give friendships time to develop instead of assuming that one awkward conversation means someone does not like you. You can stay in touch with primary school friends while also getting to know new people.
It can be tempting to compare yourself with other pupils, especially if they seem confident, organised or popular. Remember that you cannot always tell how someone else is feeling from the outside. People adjust at different speeds, and everyone has strengths and areas they are still learning about. You do not need to change your personality, interests or appearance to be accepted. If you feel pressure to do things you are uncomfortable with, such as joining in with unkind behaviour, sharing personal information online or breaking rules to fit in, it is okay to say no and spend time with people who respect your boundaries.
Looking after yourself can make the transition easier. Try to develop a regular sleep routine before the school year starts, eat regularly, drink enough water and leave yourself enough time to get ready in the morning. Being tired or rushed can make everyday worries feel more difficult to manage. Make time for activities you enjoy, whether that is sport, gaming, reading, music, spending time with friends or relaxing at home. You do not need to spend all your time preparing for school, and having enjoyable activities outside school can help you maintain balance while you adjust.
If you feel nervous, you could try taking slow, comfortable breaths, listening to music, talking to someone you trust or reminding yourself of times when you have managed something new. It may help to prepare a few phrases you can use if you need assistance, such as “I’m not sure where I need to go” or “Could you explain that again, please?” If you feel overwhelmed during the school day, you could speak to a teacher or another member of staff about where you can go for support. You do not have to manage difficult feelings on your own, and it is better to ask for help early than to let worries build up.
Once you have started secondary school, give yourself time to settle. The first few days or weeks may feel tiring because you are learning new routines, meeting people and taking in lots of information. You might find that you feel more comfortable in some lessons than others or that you need extra time to understand how homework is organised. Try to focus on small signs of progress, such as finding a classroom more easily, remembering your equipment or speaking to someone new. If something goes wrong, think about what you could do differently next time rather than treating it as proof that you cannot manage. If you continue to feel unhappy, unsafe or very anxious, tell a trusted adult so that they can help you work out what support you need.
How to help a loved one
Parents and guardians can help children prepare for secondary school by creating opportunities to talk about the transition well before the first day. Ask what they are looking forward to and what they feel worried about, while recognising that they may not be able to explain their feelings clearly. Some children will happily discuss their concerns, while others may be more comfortable talking during an activity, on a walk or while travelling together. Open questions such as “What do you think will be the biggest change?” or “Is there anything you would like to know before you start?” can help children identify their needs. Try to listen without immediately correcting their worries or telling them that there is nothing to be concerned about. Even if a fear seems unlikely to you, it may feel very real to them.
Provide honest, reassuring information about what secondary school will be like. Explain that there will be new routines, different teachers and more responsibility, but that children will have time to learn how things work. Avoid promising that everything will be easy or that they will definitely make friends straight away, as this can leave them feeling misunderstood if they encounter difficulties. Instead, reassure them that it is normal to need time to settle and that support is available if they get stuck. If you do not know the answer to a question, help them find out rather than guessing. Having accurate information can reduce uncertainty and give children a clearer idea of what to expect.
Where possible, help your child become familiar with the new school and the practical aspects of attending. This might involve attending transition events, exploring the school website, practising the journey, discussing what to do if they get lost and checking what equipment they need. If they are worried about travelling independently, practise the route together and gradually build their confidence where appropriate. You can also help them practise organising their bag, following a timetable, managing money for lunch or remembering homework. These skills are best developed gradually, with encouragement and opportunities to try things themselves, rather than expecting them to manage every responsibility perfectly from the beginning.
Support your child to develop independence while making it clear that they can still rely on you. They may want to make more decisions about their friendships, clothing, activities or routines, and this can be an opportunity to help them develop problem-solving skills. You could ask what they think might help when a problem arises, explore possible options together and let them try manageable tasks independently. If they forget something, make a mistake or struggle with an unfamiliar situation, try to help them learn from it without making them feel ashamed. Independence does not mean having to cope alone; knowing when and how to ask for help is an important part of growing up.
Friendships can be a significant source of both excitement and worry during the transition. Some children will remain close to primary school friends, while others may find that their friendship groups change. Reassure your child that relationships can develop over time and that they do not need to be popular or have a large friendship group to belong. Encourage activities where they can meet others with similar interests, but avoid putting pressure on them to make friends quickly. If your child talks about feeling excluded, being teased or struggling socially, listen carefully and ask what has been happening. Help them consider possible next steps and contact the school if the difficulties persist or involve bullying.
Be mindful of changes in your child’s behaviour and wellbeing after they start secondary school. They may be more tired, irritable, quiet or emotional while adjusting to the new environment. They might need more downtime after school, find it harder to discuss their day or become anxious about particular lessons or social situations. Try to maintain regular opportunities to check in without turning every conversation into a series of questions about school. Some children will talk more freely when doing something together rather than sitting down for a formal discussion. Look for patterns, such as repeated stomach aches before school, disrupted sleep, reluctance to attend, withdrawal from friends or a noticeable drop in mood. These changes can have different causes, so approach them with curiosity rather than assuming they are simply part of settling in.
If your child is struggling, acknowledge their feelings and work with them to identify what might help. You could break a problem into smaller steps, practise a difficult situation or contact the school to discuss possible support. For example, if they are worried about getting lost, you could ask whether they can speak to a member of staff about finding their way between lessons. If homework feels overwhelming, you could help them establish a manageable routine and encourage them to ask their teachers for clarification. If the difficulties are persistent or significantly affecting their wellbeing, consider speaking to the school’s pastoral team, form tutor, special educational needs coordinator (SENCO) or your GP, depending on the concern. Where your child has identified additional needs, contact the school early to discuss what information and support may help them settle.
Try to keep expectations realistic during the adjustment period. Your child may need more reminders, reassurance or help with routines than they did towards the end of primary school. They may also want more privacy and independence, even while still needing support. A balance of encouragement, predictable boundaries and opportunities to talk can help them feel secure. Recognise their efforts rather than focusing only on achievements, grades or how quickly they adapt. If the transition is difficult, this does not mean that your child has failed or that you have prepared them poorly. Working alongside them and the school can help identify what is making things harder and what changes may be useful.
Myth Buster
Myth: Everyone should feel excited about starting secondary school
Truth: Children can feel excited, worried, sad or uncertain, sometimes all at once. There is no single correct reaction to a major change
Myth: If a child is nervous before starting secondary school, they will struggle throughout the year
Truth: Feeling nervous before an unfamiliar experience is common and does not predict how well a child will settle. Many children become more confident as they learn the routines and get to know people
Myth: Children need to make lots of friends straight away
Truth: Friendships often take time to develop. Having one or two supportive friendships, or gradually getting to know people through shared interests, can be just as valuable as having a large friendship group
Myth: Children should be able to manage everything independently from their first day
Truth: Secondary school involves new responsibilities, and children need time to learn how to manage them. Encouragement, practice and appropriate support can help them become more independent gradually
Myth: If a child does not talk about school, it means something is wrong
Truth: Some children need time to process their experiences or find it easier to talk while doing an activity. Regular, low-pressure opportunities to talk can help them share concerns when they feel ready
Myth: Parents and guardians should remove every worry before the transition
Truth: It is not possible to prevent every uncertainty. Helping children develop coping skills, solve manageable problems and recognise when to ask for help can build confidence for future challenges
Myth: Struggling to settle means a child is not suited to secondary school
Truth: Children adjust at different rates, and some need additional time or support. Persistent distress should be explored so that the right help can be provided, rather than being treated as a failure
Myth: Children who appear confident do not need support
Truth: Some children hide their worries or find it difficult to ask for help. Checking in gently and making support available can help children share concerns even when they seem to be coping well
Myth: Moving to secondary school means leaving primary school friendships behind
Truth: Some friendships continue, while others change naturally over time. Children can maintain existing friendships and develop new ones as they settle into a different environment
Myth: If a child is struggling, they just need to toughen up
Truth: Dismissing distress can make children feel ashamed or less willing to ask for help. Listening, understanding what is difficult and working together on practical solutions can help them adjust
Support
Support can come from parents, guardians, family members, trusted adults, school staff and health professionals. Children may benefit from different types of support depending on what they find difficult, whether this involves friendship worries, academic expectations, organisation, anxiety or additional learning needs. They do not need to wait until a problem becomes severe before asking for help.
The new school is an important source of support. A form tutor, head of year, pastoral team or another trusted member of staff may be able to help with concerns about settling in, friendships, routines or schoolwork. If a child is experiencing bullying, feeling unsafe or struggling to attend school, contact the school so that the situation can be explored and appropriate support considered. Parents and guardians can ask how the school monitors pupils’ wellbeing during the transition and what arrangements are available if a child needs additional help.
For children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND), including neurodivergent children, it can be useful to speak to the school’s special educational needs coordinator (SENCO) before the transition. Sharing relevant information about what helps the child learn, communicate, manage change and regulate emotions can support planning. Depending on the child’s needs, useful adjustments might include additional familiarisation visits, visual timetables, clear written instructions, support navigating the school, a named member of staff or a quiet space when overwhelmed. Support should be individualised rather than assuming that every child with the same diagnosis or need will benefit from the same approach.
If anxiety, low mood, physical complaints or difficulties attending school persist, a GP can help explore possible causes and discuss whether further support is needed. School-based wellbeing services or local children and young people’s mental health services may also be options, depending on the child’s circumstances and local availability. If the child is being bullied or feels unsafe, take their concerns seriously and work with the school to address the situation. If they are experiencing significant distress, it is important to consider whether additional support is needed rather than assuming that they will simply grow out of it.
Therapy interventions
Not every child who feels nervous about secondary school needs therapy. Many benefit from reassurance, preparation, supportive relationships and practical help from family and school. If anxiety or distress is persistent, severe or interfering with everyday life, a qualified professional can help determine whether a therapeutic approach or other support would be appropriate.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – CBT can help children understand how their thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours influence one another. It may be useful when worries about secondary school lead to avoidance, reassurance-seeking or difficulty sleeping. For example, a child who thinks, “Everyone will laugh at me if I get lost” could work with a therapist to examine that prediction, consider what might realistically happen and practise ways to ask for help.
- Behavioural approaches and graded exposure – These approaches can help children gradually build confidence in situations that make them anxious. Instead of avoiding every unfamiliar situation, a child can practise manageable steps at a pace that feels achievable. For example, they might first look at photographs of the school, then attend a transition visit, practise the journey with a trusted adult and eventually complete part of the journey more independently. The aim is to build confidence without overwhelming the child, while taking genuine safety concerns seriously.
- Problem-solving skills training – Problem-solving approaches help children identify a specific difficulty, think of possible solutions and decide which step to try first. For example, a child who finds it difficult to remember equipment could work out a packing checklist and decide when to use it. This can reduce the feeling that a problem is too big to manage and support growing independence.
- Mindfulness and relaxation techniques – These approaches can help children recognise signs of stress and practise ways to settle their bodies and focus on the present. Techniques may include comfortable breathing, noticing sounds around them or using grounding activities when they feel overwhelmed. For example, a child who feels nervous before entering school might use a brief grounding exercise while reminding themselves of the next step they need to take.
- Social skills and communication support – Some children may benefit from support with starting conversations, joining group activities, expressing needs or managing disagreements. This should focus on helping children communicate in ways that feel natural to them, rather than expecting them to change their personality or mask their differences. For example, a child could practise how to join an activity or how to tell a teacher that they are unsure where to go.
- Parent- or family-based support – Family-focused approaches can help parents and guardians understand a child’s worries, respond supportively and encourage independence without dismissing distress. For example, a family may develop a consistent morning routine, agree how to respond when the child seeks reassurance and plan manageable ways to practise unfamiliar tasks. This can help the child feel supported while gradually building confidence.
- Psychoeducation – Psychoeducation involves helping children and families understand common responses to change, including why a child may feel anxious, tired or overwhelmed during the transition. Understanding that adjustment takes time can reduce shame and help families recognise when additional support may be needed. It can also provide opportunities to discuss practical coping strategies and identify trusted adults at school.
- Emotional regulation support – Emotional regulation approaches help children recognise their feelings, identify what makes them more intense and choose ways to manage them. For example, a child who becomes overwhelmed after a busy school day might learn to recognise early signs of stress and plan a quiet activity or short break before tackling homework. The approach should be tailored to the child’s age, communication style and individual needs.
Helplines
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.giveusashout.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2)
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
