Summary
What is divorce?
Divorce is when two married adults legally end their marriage. Often, parents separate before they get divorced, which means they stop living together as a couple. Parents may separate or divorce for lots of different reasons, and it is usually a decision made between the adults. It is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to fix things between your parents.
What might change?
When parents separate, family life can look different. One parent might move out of the family home, and your parents may need to make new arrangements for where you live, when you see each parent, school runs, holidays, birthdays and other important parts of family life. You might spend time living with both parents, which could mean having two homes, or you might live mainly with one parent and stay with the other on certain days, weekends or holidays. Every family works this out differently, and arrangements can change as things settle.
Having two homes can take some getting used to. You may have different routines, rules or expectations in each home, and it can sometimes feel like you are constantly packing and unpacking. It might help to keep important things in both places, such as clothes, toiletries, school equipment and things that make you feel comfortable. You may also have a bedroom or your own space in both homes, although this will depend on your family’s circumstances.
Family life may continue to change after your parents separate. One or both parents might have a new partner, you might have step-siblings, or family routines, holidays and traditions might look different. You may also feel uncertain about where you will live or when you will see each parent. It is normal to have mixed feelings about these changes and to need time to adjust. You are allowed to love and enjoy spending time with both parents, and you do not need to feel guilty about having a good time with one parent when you are with the other.
How might I feel?
There is no right or wrong way to feel when your parents separate or divorce. You might feel sad, angry, worried, confused, relieved or even okay with what is happening, and your feelings may change over time. You might worry about where you will live, whether you will still see both parents, what will happen to your family or whether your parents are okay. These feelings are understandable when something important in your life is changing.
It can help to talk to someone you trust, such as a family member, friend, teacher or another trusted adult. You do not have to choose sides, pass messages between your parents or take responsibility for their relationship. You are allowed to have a relationship with both parents and to care about both of them, even if they are no longer together.
Sometimes parents may disagree or argue during or after a separation. You might be asked questions about the other parent, asked to pass messages between them, or feel like you have to take sides. Remember that your parents’ disagreements are not your responsibility. You do not have to get involved in adult decisions or choose between your parents. If you feel caught in the middle, it is okay to tell a trusted adult how you are feeling and ask for support.
How to help myself
Give yourself time to adjust to what is happening. Your parents separating can bring lots of changes, and you may have feelings that come and go over time. Try to be kind to yourself and remember that there is no “right” way to feel. You might find it helpful to talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, family member, friend, teacher, school counsellor or another trusted adult. You can tell them what you are worried about, ask questions about changes you do not understand, or simply talk about how you are feeling. You do not have to have everything figured out before asking for help.
Try to keep some parts of your usual routine where you can. Going to school, seeing friends, taking part in hobbies, exercising, listening to music, playing games or spending time doing things you enjoy can give you a sense of normality when other things are changing. Looking after yourself with regular meals, enough sleep and time to relax can also help you manage stress. If you have two homes, it may help to keep some important belongings in both places, such as clothes, toiletries, school equipment or things that make you feel comfortable, so you do not always have to remember to pack everything.
If moving between two homes feels confusing, you could use a calendar or written schedule to keep track of where you will be and when you will see each parent. It is also okay to talk to your parents about practical things that would make moving between homes easier, such as having a regular routine, knowing plans in advance or having a space for your belongings. If something about the arrangements is making you unhappy, worried or uncomfortable, tell a trusted adult rather than keeping it to yourself.
You might also have complicated feelings about your parents. You may be angry with one or both of them, miss how things used to be, feel relieved that there is less arguing, or feel happy when you are spending time with them. All of these feelings can exist at the same time. You are allowed to love both parents, even if they do not get along with each other, and you do not need to feel guilty about enjoying time with one parent. Try not to get involved in arguments or feel that you need to defend one parent against the other.
Most importantly, remember that your parents’ separation or divorce is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix their relationship. You cannot control what happens between your parents, but you can let people know what you need and ask for support when things feel difficult. If your feelings are becoming overwhelming, affecting your sleep, school, friendships or everyday life, speak to a trusted adult or mental health professional so that you do not have to manage everything on your own.
How to help a loved one
If someone you care about is going through their parents’ separation or divorce, one of the most helpful things you can do is listen without judging or trying to fix everything. Give them space to talk about what is happening and let them decide how much they want to share. They may have lots of questions or may not want to talk about it at all. Let them know that you are there for them whenever they are ready. Try not to tell them how they “should” feel or compare their experience with your own.
Be patient if they seem different from usual. They might become quieter, more emotional, angry, distracted or worried, or they may seem completely fine one day and struggle the next. Changes at home can affect their concentration, sleep, friendships and mood. Try to stay connected with them and continue including them in everyday activities. Invite them to hang out, go for a walk, watch something together, play a game or do something they normally enjoy. Sometimes having a normal conversation or doing something fun can be just as helpful as talking about what is happening.
If they have two homes or their routines have changed, be understanding if they sometimes need to change plans or cannot always be available. You could help them keep track of plans, remind them about things they need to take between homes or simply check in with them when they are moving between houses. Avoid making jokes or negative comments about their family situation, even if you think you are helping them feel better.
Try not to criticise either parent or encourage them to take sides. They may have complicated feelings about both parents and may still love and care about them even if they are angry or upset about what has happened. They should not have to choose between their parents, and it is not their responsibility to solve disagreements between adults. If they tell you about arguments or problems at home, listen and support them without getting pulled into the conflict yourself.
You can also help by reminding them that their feelings are valid and that they are not responsible for their parents’ separation. They may blame themselves, worry that they caused the problems or feel guilty about enjoying time with one parent. Reassure them that adult relationships are complicated and that the decision to separate is not their fault. Let them know that it is okay to have good days, laugh, enjoy themselves and continue with their own life even when things at home are difficult.
If they seem to be struggling for a long time, encourage them to speak to someone they trust, such as a parent, family member, teacher, school counsellor or another professional. You could offer to sit with them while they talk to someone or help them find support information. If they tell you that they are being hurt, feel unsafe, are being pressured to keep something secret, or you are seriously worried about their safety or wellbeing, tell a trusted adult rather than trying to deal with it alone. Supporting someone does not mean carrying everything for them – sometimes the kindest thing you can do is help them get the right support.
Myth Buster
Myth: “My parents are divorcing because of something I did.”
Truth: Your parents’ relationship and their decision to separate are not your fault. Adults make decisions about their relationships for many different reasons, and it is not your responsibility to fix things between them.
Myth: “I have to choose which parent I want to live with or support.”
Truth: You should not have to choose sides. You can love and care about both parents and have your own relationship with each of them. Your parents’ disagreements are for the adults to work through.
Myth: “I shouldn’t be upset because my parents are still around.”
Truth: Separation and divorce can involve a lot of change and loss, even when both parents are still in your life. It is completely okay to feel sad, angry, worried, confused or any other emotion about what is happening.
Myth: “If I’m happy when I’m with one parent, I’m letting the other parent down.”
Truth: You are allowed to enjoy yourself and have a good relationship with both parents. Having a good time with one parent does not mean you love or care about the other one any less.
Myth: “Having two homes means my family is broken.”
Truth: Families can look and work in lots of different ways. Having two homes can take some getting used to, but it does not mean your family or your relationships with the people you love have to disappear.
Myth: “I need to keep my feelings to myself so I don’t make things harder for my parents.”
Truth: Your feelings matter too. Talking about how you are feeling does not make you a burden or make the situation worse. Speaking to someone you trust can help you feel supported while you adjust to the changes.
Support
If your parents are separating or divorcing, you do not have to deal with the changes on your own. Talking to someone you trust, such as a parent, family member, teacher, school counsellor or another trusted adult, can give you a safe space to talk about how you are feeling. You can also ask for help if you are worried about where you will live, how often you will see your parents, changes at home or anything else that is making you feel unsettled.
Support might include having someone listen to you, helping you understand what is happening, talking through worries about changes to your family or helping you find further support. You may also be able to access counselling or other mental health support through your school, GP or local services if the situation is affecting your wellbeing.
If you are struggling with changes between two homes, it may help to talk to an adult about practical things that could make this easier, such as having a clear routine, knowing plans in advance or keeping important belongings in both homes. You can also let someone know if you feel uncomfortable with an arrangement or if something is not working for you. Your views and feelings matter, and it is okay to ask for things to be explained or for help with changes that affect you.
Remember that asking for support does not mean you are taking sides. You deserve to have your feelings heard and supported, even when the adults around you are going through a difficult time. If you ever feel unsafe at home or are worried about your own safety or someone else’s, tell a trusted adult as soon as you can.
Therapy interventions
Your parents separating or divorcing does not automatically mean you need therapy. However, talking to a professional can be helpful if the changes are having a significant impact on your emotions, relationships, school, sleep or everyday life. Therapy can provide a safe space to talk about what is happening, make sense of your feelings and develop ways to cope with changes in your family.
- Counselling – counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to talk about feelings such as sadness, anger, worry or confusion and explore how the separation is affecting you.
- Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) – CBT can help if you are experiencing ongoing worry, low mood, anger or unhelpful thoughts about the separation. It can help you understand how your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are connected and develop healthier ways of coping.
- Family therapy – family therapy can be helpful when separation has led to difficulties with communication, conflict or relationships within the family. It can help family members understand each other and communicate more effectively.
- Emotion regulation and coping skills – this type of support can help if you are experiencing strong or difficult emotions following changes in your family. You may learn strategies for managing anger, sadness, worry and stress safely and healthily.
- Problem-solving therapy – problem-solving approaches can be useful when you are feeling overwhelmed by practical changes, such as moving between two homes, changes to routines or difficulties at school. It can help you break problems down into manageable steps and think about possible solutions.
- Supportive therapy – supportive therapy can provide ongoing emotional support while you adjust to changes in your family. It may be particularly helpful if you need someone outside your family to talk to about your experiences and feelings.
Helplines
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
The Mix
The Mix is a charity providing free information, advice and support for young people on all sorts of issues that can affect their lives and wellbeing. This includes mental health, relationships, money, housing, work and education, drugs and alcohol, bullying, social media, family difficulties and many other challenges. They offer information and practical advice to help young people understand what they are going through, make informed decisions and find further support when they need it.
Phone: 0808 808 4994
Opening times: 11 am–11 pm, 7 days a week
Website: http://www.themix.org.uk
Crisis Messenger: Text THEMIX to 85258 – available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Family Lives
Family Lives is a charity providing information, advice and support for parents and families. They cover issues including family relationships, parenting, separation, divorce, conflict, bullying, emotional wellbeing and other challenges affecting family life.
Phone: 0808 800 2222
Opening times: 9am–9pm, Monday–Friday
Email: askus@familylives.org.uk
Website: www.familylives.org.uk
Relate
Relate is a charity providing relationship support and counselling for individuals, couples and families. They cover issues including relationships, communication difficulties, family problems, separation, divorce, conflict, bereavement and other relationship difficulties.
Phone: 0300 100 1234 (England) / 0300 003 2340 (Wales)
Opening times: 9:30 am–1 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: bookings@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.samaritans.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2).
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Support For Us 