Summary
Everyone has a frame of reference: the collection of experiences, beliefs, values, relationships, knowledge and circumstances that influence how we understand the world. Our frame of reference develops throughout our lives and is shaped by things such as our upbringing, culture, family relationships, education, friendships, personal challenges and the way other people have treated us. It influences what we notice, how we interpret situations, what we consider normal and the assumptions we make about other people.
Because everyone has a different frame of reference, two people can experience the same situation but understand it in completely different ways. Something that feels straightforward or manageable to one person might feel unfamiliar, frightening or overwhelming to someone else. For example, someone who has grown up feeling comfortable asking for help might find it difficult to understand why another person avoids doing so. However, the other person may have previously been dismissed, criticised or made to feel like a burden when they asked for support. Their past experiences may influence how safe they feel reaching out now.
Our frame of reference can help us make sense of our own experiences, but it can also influence the assumptions we make about other people’s lives. We may unintentionally compare their experiences with our own, judge their decisions using our own values or expect them to respond to situations in the same way we would. This does not mean that we are deliberately being unkind. Often, we are interpreting someone else’s experience through what we already know and understand.
Being aware of our frame of reference means recognising that our perspective is not the only possible perspective. We can acknowledge our own experiences while remaining curious about what life might be like for someone else. This involves listening without immediately judging, asking questions rather than making assumptions and recognising that we may not know everything that has influenced another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviour. We do not have to agree with someone to try to understand their point of view.
For example:
The situation: Alex rarely talks about their problems and usually says they are fine, even when they seem upset.
Person A’s frame of reference: Person A grew up in a family where people openly discussed their feelings and regularly asked each other for help. They assume that talking about problems is a natural way to cope, so they think Alex is being distant or does not trust them.
Person B’s frame of reference: Person B grew up in a family where sharing emotions often led to criticism or arguments. They learned to keep their feelings private to feel safe. They understand that Alex might need time before feeling comfortable opening up.
What this shows: Both people are interpreting Alex’s behaviour through their own experiences. Person A assumes that talking is the best way to cope, while Person B recognises that talking may not feel safe or easy for everyone.
A more helpful response: Rather than assuming why Alex is quiet, they could ask, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down. Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer some company?” This gives Alex the choice to explain what they need without feeling pressured.
The key message is that our experiences shape the way we see other people, but our perspective is not the whole picture. Being aware of our frame of reference helps us pause, question our assumptions and make room for someone else’s experience.
Myself
Start by reflecting on the experiences that have shaped your own perspective. Think about the messages you received growing up, the values you were taught, the relationships you have had and the situations you have experienced. Consider how these might influence what you expect from yourself and others. For example, if you were taught that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, you might find it difficult to understand why someone else needs to talk openly about their feelings. Recognising where these beliefs come from can help you decide whether they reflect your own values today or are assumptions you have learned over time.
When you notice yourself making a judgement about someone, pause and consider what might be influencing it. Ask yourself whether you are responding to what the person has actually said or done, or whether you are filling in gaps using your own experiences. You might think, “Would I see this differently if I had grown up in different circumstances?” or “What might I be missing about this person’s situation?” You do not need to know the answers immediately. The aim is to create space for another explanation rather than automatically assuming that your first interpretation is correct.
Try to separate what you know from what you are assuming. For example, you might know that a friend has cancelled plans several times, but you may be assuming that they do not value your friendship. There could be other explanations, such as anxiety, financial difficulties, exhaustion, family responsibilities or something they have not yet felt comfortable sharing. Considering alternative explanations does not mean ignoring how their actions affect you. It means recognising that your interpretation may not tell the whole story.
Practise listening to understand rather than listening simply to respond. When someone shares an experience that differs from your own, try to remain curious instead of immediately comparing it with something that happened to you. You could ask open questions such as, “What was that like for you?”, “What do you think made that difficult?” or “What would have helped in that situation?” Give the person time to explain their experience in their own words, and avoid assuming that you already understand because you have been through something that seems similar.
It can also help to notice when a situation brings up a strong emotional response in you. You might feel frustrated when someone makes a decision you would not make, or confused when they react differently from how you would expect. These reactions may be influenced by your own experiences, values or expectations. Taking a moment to recognise your response can help you think about what is happening for you before deciding how to respond to the other person.
Remember that understanding someone’s perspective does not mean you have to agree with everything they say or accept behaviour that harms you. You can recognise that a person’s experiences may have influenced their behaviour while still maintaining your boundaries and explaining how their actions affect you. Being open-minded means allowing for different perspectives, not abandoning your own needs, values or sense of safety.
With others
When someone shares an experience or makes a decision that you find difficult to understand, try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgement. It can be tempting to assume that you know what someone should do because you have faced a similar situation yourself. However, their circumstances, relationships, resources and previous experiences may be very different from yours. Instead of telling them what you would do, ask what the situation has been like for them and what matters most to them.
Listen without immediately offering advice, comparing experiences or trying to persuade the person to see things your way. Even if your intentions are good, statements such as “I would never do that” or “You just need to…” can leave someone feeling misunderstood. You could instead say, “I hadn’t thought about it that way before”, “Can you help me understand what that was like for you?” or “What do you feel you need at the moment?” These responses allow the person to explain their perspective without feeling that they have to defend themselves.
Be mindful that your own experiences may influence the advice you give. For example, if talking openly about problems has helped you in the past, you might assume that everyone would benefit from doing the same. However, someone else may have experienced negative consequences when they opened up, or they may need more time before they feel ready to talk. You can offer support while allowing them to decide what feels comfortable and useful for them.
If you realise that you have made an assumption or misunderstood someone’s experience, try to acknowledge it. You might say, “I think I was looking at this from my own experience rather than yours” or “I’m sorry I made an assumption about what you were going through.” Being willing to reconsider your perspective can help build trust and show the other person that you value their experience, even when it differs from your own.
Encourage conversations where different perspectives can be discussed respectfully. You can explain your own point of view without presenting it as the only correct one, and you can ask about theirs without expecting them to agree with you. If a conversation becomes heated, it may help to pause and return to it when everyone feels calmer. The aim is not necessarily to reach the same conclusion, but to understand each other more clearly.
Myth Buster
Myth: Everyone sees situations in the same way
Truth: People interpret situations differently because their experiences, beliefs, values and circumstances are different
Myth: If I have experienced something similar, I know exactly how another person feels
Truth: Similar experiences can help us relate to someone, but we cannot know exactly how they feel without listening to their individual experience
Myth: My perspective is the correct one
Truth: Your perspective is shaped by what you have experienced and understood, but there may be other valid ways to interpret the same situation
Myth: Making assumptions about others means I am a bad person
Truth: Everyone makes assumptions sometimes. Recognising them and being willing to question them can help you respond more thoughtfully
Myth: Understanding someone’s perspective means agreeing with them
Truth: You can try to understand why someone thinks or behaves in a particular way without agreeing with their choices
Myth: If someone reacts differently from me, they are overreacting
Truth: Their response may be influenced by experiences, fears, needs or circumstances that you do not know about
Myth: People should respond to difficult experiences in the way I would
Truth: There is no single way to respond to a situation. What feels manageable to one person may feel very different to another
Myth: I should give advice as soon as someone tells me about a problem
Truth: Sometimes people need to feel heard and understood before they are ready to consider advice or solutions
Myth: Being open-minded means ignoring my own experiences
Truth: You can value your own experiences while recognising that they do not tell you everything about someone else’s life
Myth: If I cannot relate to someone’s experience, I cannot support them
Truth: You do not need to have experienced the same thing to listen, show compassion and ask what support would help
Myth: People can always explain why they feel or behave a certain way
Truth: People may not fully understand their own reactions, especially when these are influenced by complex or difficult experiences
Myth: Changing my mind means I was wrong to have my original perspective
Truth: Learning about someone else’s experience can give you new information and help you develop a more informed understanding
Support
Developing awareness of your frame of reference is something you can practise in everyday life. Talking with trusted friends, family members, teachers, mentors or colleagues can help you explore different perspectives and reflect on how your own experiences influence your assumptions. These conversations work best when everyone has the opportunity to speak openly and feels able to disagree respectfully.
If you find that your past experiences strongly influence how you understand other people, or that certain situations repeatedly lead to conflict, distress or misunderstandings, it may help to talk this through with someone you trust. A GP, counsellor or mental health professional may be able to help you explore these patterns, understand your emotional responses and develop different ways of approaching situations. You do not need to be experiencing significant difficulties to benefit from reflecting on your experiences.
Schools, colleges, universities and workplaces may also offer pastoral support, counselling or opportunities to discuss communication and relationships. If a misunderstanding has affected a relationship, it can be helpful to explain your perspective, listen to the other person’s experience and consider whether both of you have made assumptions. Where appropriate, a neutral person may be able to help you communicate more effectively.
Therapy interventions
Therapy is not necessary for everyone who wants to understand their frame of reference. These approaches may be helpful when patterns of thinking or relating to others are causing distress, conflict or difficulties in everyday life.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help you recognise how your thoughts, beliefs and previous experiences influence the way you interpret situations. It can support you to identify assumptions, consider alternative explanations and explore how different interpretations affect your feelings and behaviour.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you notice thoughts and judgements without automatically treating them as facts. This may create more space to respond in ways that reflect your values, such as curiosity, compassion and respect, even when someone else’s perspective is unfamiliar or difficult to understand.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) can help you develop a more compassionate understanding of yourself and other people. It may be useful when judgements are influenced by shame, criticism, fear or difficult past experiences, and can support a less harsh response to differences in thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
- Counselling can provide a space to explore how your upbringing, relationships and life experiences have shaped your beliefs and expectations. It may help you recognise patterns in how you relate to others, reflect on misunderstandings and develop a clearer understanding of your own perspective.
- Family therapy or systemic approaches can help people explore how different experiences, roles and relationships influence the way they understand one another. These approaches can support communication, help identify repeated patterns and encourage family members to consider each other’s perspectives.
- Psychoeducation can help you understand how experiences, beliefs, culture and personal circumstances shape the way people interpret the world. Learning about these differences can support reflection, communication and more thoughtful responses to other people’s experiences.
Helplines
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.giveusashout.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2)
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
