Summary
Healthy boundaries are the limits we set around what we are comfortable with and what we are not. They help us communicate our needs, protect our well-being, and decide how we want to be treated by others. Boundaries can be important in all types of relationships, including friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, education, work and online relationships.
Boundaries can relate to many different parts of life. They might involve physical space and touch, privacy, personal information, time, communication, money, possessions, emotional support, relationships, social activities and how other people speak to you. For example, you might not want someone to hug you without asking, may not want to share your phone password, may need time alone after a difficult day or may not be comfortable discussing certain personal topics.
A healthy boundary communicates what you are comfortable with and what you need. It can involve saying yes, saying no, asking for something to change or deciding what you will do if a boundary is not respected. Boundaries are not about controlling another person’s thoughts, feelings or choices. They are about communicating your own limits and deciding how you will respond.
Boundaries can look different for different people. One person may enjoy frequent messages and spending lots of time together, while another may need more space. Someone may be comfortable discussing personal topics with close friends but not colleagues. There is no single set of boundaries that works for everyone.
Boundaries can also change over time and depending on the situation. You might be comfortable with something one day but not another day, particularly when you are tired, stressed, unwell or overwhelmed. Changing a boundary does not make you inconsistent or difficult. You are allowed to reconsider what you are comfortable with.
Healthy relationships involve respect for each person’s boundaries. This means being able to communicate your needs, listen when someone else communicates theirs and accept that another person may have different limits from you. Respecting a boundary does not necessarily mean agreeing with it; it means recognising that the other person has the right to make decisions about themselves.
Sometimes boundaries can feel difficult to set. You may worry about upsetting someone, being rejected, appearing rude, starting an argument or being seen as selfish. Previous experiences, family expectations, culture, relationships, trauma or low self-confidence can also affect how comfortable someone feels saying no.
It can also be difficult to recognise when a boundary is being crossed. You might notice feeling uncomfortable, resentful, pressured, anxious, guilty, exhausted or angry after interacting with someone. You may find yourself agreeing to things you do not want to do, avoiding certain people or feeling that you cannot express your needs safely.
A boundary being crossed is not always intentional. Someone may not realise that something makes you uncomfortable. In these situations, communicating your boundary clearly can allow them to understand and change their behaviour. However, repeatedly ignoring, dismissing or pressuring someone after they have communicated a boundary is different from simply not knowing where their boundary is.
Boundaries are particularly important when there is a significant difference in power, such as between an adult and young person, teacher and student, manager and employee or professional and someone receiving a service. People in positions of responsibility have additional responsibilities around safety, privacy and appropriate behaviour.
Healthy boundaries should not be confused with shutting people out or avoiding all emotional closeness. It is possible to care about someone, be close to them and still have limits. Boundaries can actually support healthier relationships by making expectations clearer and reducing resentment, misunderstandings and pressure.
Everyone has the right to have their physical, emotional and personal boundaries respected. If someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, controls your choices, pressures you into things you do not want to do or makes you feel unsafe, this may be a sign that you need additional support.
How to help myself
Start by thinking about what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable. Pay attention to situations where you regularly feel pressured, resentful, anxious, overwhelmed or drained. These feelings can sometimes be clues that a boundary is being crossed or that you are doing more than you have the capacity for.
Think about different areas of your life, not just your relationships. You might have boundaries around physical touch, personal space, your phone and social media, sharing personal information, money, possessions, time, studying, work, sleep, friendships, romantic relationships and emotional conversations.
Try to identify what you are and are not comfortable with. You do not need to have a complicated explanation for a boundary. I don’t want to talk about that, I need some time alone or I’m not comfortable with that can be enough.
Practise saying no. Saying no does not automatically make you rude, selfish or uncaring. You can say no without giving a long explanation. If you want to, you can offer an alternative, such as I can’t meet tonight, but I could see you tomorrow. However, you do not have to offer an alternative every time.
If saying no feels difficult, start with smaller situations. Practising with everyday decisions can make it easier to communicate boundaries when something feels more important. You can also practise phrases such as No, thank you, I’d rather not, I need some time to think about that or That’s not something I’m comfortable with.
You do not always have to respond immediately. If someone asks you to do something and you are unsure, it is okay to say that you need time to think. Taking a pause can help you make a decision based on what you actually want rather than responding because you feel pressured.
Try to notice guilt without automatically treating it as a sign that you have done something wrong. Setting a reasonable boundary can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you are used to putting other people’s needs first. Feeling guilty does not necessarily mean that your boundary is unfair.
Be clear and specific where possible. Instead of hoping someone will realise that you are uncomfortable, tell them what you need. For example, Please don’t share that with other people is clearer than I don’t really like people knowing about that.
Remember that you can change your mind. Agreeing to something previously does not mean that you have to agree to it every time. This is particularly important with physical contact, sexual activity, social plans and sharing personal information. You are allowed to change your mind.
Think about what you will do if someone does not respect your boundary. You might end a conversation, leave a situation, stop responding to messages, spend less time with someone or involve another person. A boundary is more effective when you know what action you can take to protect yourself.
Try to respect your own boundaries as well as asking other people to respect them. If you know that you need rest, privacy or time away from social situations, give yourself permission to have those needs. You do not have to wait until you are completely overwhelmed before taking a break.
Healthy boundaries also involve recognising other people’s limits. You can communicate your needs while giving other people the same right to say no, ask for space or make different choices.
If someone repeatedly pressures you, ignores your boundaries, threatens you, controls who you see or where you go, monitors your communication, pressures you into sexual activity or makes you feel unsafe, this is more than an ordinary disagreement about boundaries. Consider speaking to someone you trust or accessing specialist support.
How to help a loved one
Respect what the other person tells you they are comfortable with, even if their boundary is different from what you would choose. Someone saying no to a hug, conversation, visit, activity or request does not necessarily mean that they do not care about you.
Try to ask rather than assume. You can ask questions such as Would you like a hug?, Do you want to talk about it? or Would you rather have some space? Giving someone a choice allows them to communicate what they need.
Accept no without repeatedly asking, persuading or making the person feel guilty. Statements such as If you really cared about me, you would… can turn a request into pressure. Someone should be able to say no without being punished, threatened or made responsible for another person’s feelings.
Remember that consent and boundaries can change. Someone agreeing to something previously does not mean they have agreed to it every time. This applies to physical affection, sexual activity, sharing information, social plans and many other situations.
If someone communicates a boundary that you did not know about, try not to take it personally. They may have been uncomfortable for some time but only recently felt able to say something. Listen to what they are asking for and, where possible, adjust your behaviour.
If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and change what you are doing. You do not need to become defensive or focus the conversation on how bad you feel. A simple acknowledgement and a genuine change in behaviour can help rebuild trust.
Try not to use someone’s boundaries as a way of judging them. They may need more personal space, more time alone or different forms of communication than you do. Differences in boundaries do not automatically mean that one person is right and the other is wrong.
Encourage people to communicate their boundaries without making them responsible for keeping everyone else happy. If someone finds it difficult to say no, you can create a safer environment by making it clear that they are allowed to disagree with you.
If you are supporting someone who regularly struggles to set boundaries, help them think through what they want rather than deciding for them. You could ask, What would make this feel more comfortable? or What would you like to happen differently?
Parents, carers and professionals may need to set appropriate boundaries themselves while also respecting a young person’s developing independence. Clear expectations can provide safety and structure without unnecessarily controlling the young person’s choices.
It is also important to have your own boundaries. Supporting someone does not mean being available at all times, solving every problem or accepting behaviour that is harmful to you. You can care about someone while saying that you need time, space or additional support yourself.
If you are concerned that someone’s boundaries are being repeatedly ignored, particularly in a relationship involving control, threats, sexual pressure, violence or exploitation, take the situation seriously. Focus on their safety and help them access appropriate support rather than confronting a potentially abusive person in a way that could increase risk.
Myth Buster
Myth: Setting boundaries is selfish.
Truth: Boundaries allow you to communicate your needs and limits. Looking after yourself does not mean that you do not care about other people.
Myth: Saying no is rude.
Truth: Everyone has the right to say no. You can communicate a boundary respectfully while still being clear about what you are and are not comfortable with.
Myth: If someone loves you, they should automatically know your boundaries.
Truth: People cannot always know what someone else is comfortable with. Communicating your boundaries clearly gives other people a better understanding of what you need.
Myth: You have to give a reason when you say no.
Truth: You can give an explanation if you want to, but you do not owe someone a detailed reason for your boundaries.
Truth: You can give an explanation if you want to, but you do not owe someone a detailed reason for your boundaries.
Myth: Once you say yes, you cannot change your mind.
Truth: You are allowed to change your mind. Consent and boundaries can change at any point.
Truth: You are allowed to change your mind. Consent and boundaries can change at any point.
Myth: Healthy boundaries mean keeping people at a distance.
Truth: Boundaries do not prevent closeness. They can help relationships feel safer and more respectful by making expectations and needs clearer.
Myth: Setting a boundary means controlling someone else’s behaviour.
Truth: You cannot control another person’s choices. A boundary communicates what you are comfortable with and what you will do if that boundary is not respected.
Truth: You cannot control another person’s choices. A boundary communicates what you are comfortable with and what you will do if that boundary is not respected.
Myth: You should always put other people’s needs before your own.
Truth: Your needs matter too. Healthy relationships involve consideration for everyone’s needs rather than one person constantly sacrificing theirs.
Myth: If someone gets upset when you set a boundary, your boundary must be unfair.
Truth: Someone may feel disappointed or upset when they hear a no. Their reaction does not automatically mean that your boundary is unreasonable.
Myth: Boundaries are only important in romantic relationships.
Truth: Boundaries are relevant in friendships, families, education, work, online relationships and interactions with professionals.
Myth: Ignoring someone’s boundary once is the same as deliberately crossing it repeatedly.
Truth: Someone may not realise a boundary exists or may make an accidental mistake. Repeatedly ignoring, dismissing or pressuring someone after they have communicated a boundary is different.
Myth: If someone is struggling to set boundaries, they just need to be more confident.
Truth: Difficulty setting boundaries can be influenced by previous experiences, relationships, trauma, fear of rejection, power differences, cultural expectations or concerns about safety. Building confidence can help, but the situation around the person also matters.
Support
If you are finding it difficult to set or maintain boundaries, talking to someone you trust can help you think through what you are comfortable with and what you would like to change. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, youth worker, GP, counsellor or mental health professional.
If you are unsure whether something happening in a relationship is normal, it can be useful to describe the situation to someone outside of it. You do not need to decide immediately whether someone’s behaviour is abusive or controlling before asking for advice.
A GP can discuss difficulties involving relationships, anxiety, low self-esteem, stress or other mental health concerns that may be making boundaries difficult. They can also discuss appropriate treatment or referral options.
Schools, colleges and universities may have pastoral, safeguarding, wellbeing or counselling services. These can be useful if boundary difficulties involve friends, bullying, relationships, sexual harassment, online behaviour or concerns about safety.
If you are experiencing controlling behaviour, coercion, threats, stalking, sexual pressure, physical violence or other forms of abuse, this is not simply a problem with setting better boundaries. Your safety matters, and specialist domestic abuse or safeguarding support may be appropriate.
If you are supporting someone else, you can seek advice too. You do not have to become responsible for managing another person’s relationship or safety on your own. Professionals and specialist organisations can help you think through what to do.
If a boundary is being crossed in a workplace, school or other organisation, there may be formal procedures for raising a concern. Keep records of relevant incidents where it is safe to do so and consider speaking to an appropriate person within the organisation.
If you are worried about a young person’s safety, safeguarding concerns should be taken seriously. Speak to the appropriate safeguarding lead or professional and follow the relevant safeguarding procedures. If there is an immediate risk of serious harm, call 999.
Getting support does not mean that you have failed to set a boundary. Sometimes the behaviour of another person is the problem, and additional support is needed to help you stay safe.
If you are in immediate danger or someone is threatening to seriously harm you or another person, call 999. For urgent mental health support in England, you can also contact NHS 111.
Therapy interventions
Different types of therapy can help people understand their needs, communicate boundaries, manage difficult emotions and develop healthier relationship patterns. The most appropriate approach will depend on the person’s circumstances and what they are hoping to change.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – explores the links between thoughts, feelings and behaviours and can help with unhelpful beliefs about saying no, people-pleasing, guilt, anxiety and low self-confidence.
- Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – develops skills in emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness, including communicating needs and maintaining boundaries.
- Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) – focuses on relationships and communication and can help people understand patterns within their relationships and manage interpersonal difficulties.
- Assertiveness Training – helps people communicate their needs, opinions and boundaries clearly while respecting the needs and rights of others.
- Counselling – provides a space to explore relationship experiences, self-esteem, emotions and difficulties with setting or maintaining boundaries.
- Family Therapy – can help family members understand each other’s needs, improve communication and develop healthier patterns of interaction.
- Trauma-Focused Therapy – may be helpful when difficulties with boundaries are connected to traumatic experiences, particularly when someone has learned to prioritise other people’s needs as a way of staying safe.
- Psychotherapy – can provide a longer-term space to explore relationship patterns, attachment, self-esteem and experiences that may influence how someone understands and communicates boundaries.
Helplines
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2).
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.giveusashout.org
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is a charity providing support for people who are struggling with their mental health or experiencing emotional distress. They support people with issues including low mood, anxiety, loneliness, stress, suicidal thoughts and difficult life experiences.
Phone: 0800 58 58 58
Opening times: 5pm–midnight, every day
Webchat: 5pm–midnight, every day
WhatsApp: Available through the CALM website
Website: www.thecalmzone.net
