Summary
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is when someone repeatedly behaves in ways that hurt another person’s feelings, confidence, sense of safety or emotional wellbeing. It can involve controlling, frightening, humiliating, threatening, manipulating or putting someone down. Emotional abuse can happen on its own or alongside other forms of abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse.
Emotional abuse is not always easy to recognise because it may not leave physical marks. Sometimes individual behaviours can seem small or be dismissed as “just an argument”, but a repeated pattern of harmful behaviour can have a significant impact on someone’s wellbeing.
Where can emotional abuse happen?
Emotional abuse can happen anywhere and in many different relationships. It could happen at home, at school or college, at work, within friendships, in a dating or family relationship, in a care setting or within the wider community. It can also happen online through messages, social media, group chats or other online spaces.
Who can emotionally abuse someone?
Emotional abuse can come from someone you know and trust or someone you do not know well. This might include a parent or family member, partner or ex-partner, friend, classmate, teacher, carer, colleague or another adult. Sometimes the person causing the abuse is someone you care about or depend on, which can make it particularly difficult to recognise what is happening or ask for help.
What can emotional abuse look like?
Emotional abuse can take many forms. Someone might:
- Constantly criticise, insult, belittle or humiliate you
- Make you feel worthless, unwanted or like you are never good enough
- Blame you for their behaviour or make everything feel like your fault
- Frequently shout at, threaten or intimidate you
- Deliberately ignore you or withdraw affection to punish you
- Control who you see, where you go or who you communicate with
- Try to isolate you from friends, family or other sources of support
- Make you feel guilty for spending time with other people
- Threaten to leave, hurt themselves or hurt someone else to control you
- Use your fears, insecurities or personal information against you
- Constantly compare you to other people
- Manipulate you into doing things you do not want to do
- Deny things that happened or make you question your own memory or understanding of events
- Threaten to share private information, photographs or messages
- Deliberately embarrass you in front of other people
- Use silence, affection or attention as a way of controlling you
Emotional abuse can also involve controlling behaviour that makes someone feel they have to constantly change what they do or say to avoid upsetting another person.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone repeatedly tries to make you doubt your own memories, feelings, understanding or perception of what has happened. They might deny something they said or did, tell you that you are imagining things, or insist that you are “too sensitive” when you raise a concern. Over time, this can make someone question themselves and become less confident in their own judgement.
Emotional abuse and control
Emotional abuse is often about power and control. Someone may use fear, guilt, criticism, threats or manipulation to influence what another person does. They might make the person feel that they cannot leave, speak up, disagree or make their own choices.
Healthy relationships allow people to have their own opinions, friendships, boundaries and feelings. You should not have to constantly change yourself or give up important parts of your life to prevent someone from becoming angry or upset.
What might it feel like?
Someone experiencing emotional abuse might feel anxious, frightened, confused, embarrassed, lonely, angry or constantly on edge. They may lose confidence or begin to believe the negative things that have been said about them.
They might start avoiding certain people or situations, become quieter or more withdrawn, struggle to concentrate, have difficulty sleeping or feel worried about making mistakes. They may also find themselves constantly trying to keep another person happy or “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict.
These experiences can affect someone’s mental health and self-esteem over time. However, everyone responds differently, and there may not always be obvious signs that someone is experiencing emotional abuse.
How to help myself
If someone is emotionally abusing you, remember that their behaviour is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to change them. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and care. It can be difficult to recognise emotional abuse, particularly when it happens gradually or comes from someone you care about, so try not to blame yourself for not recognising it sooner.
Talking to someone you trust can be an important first step. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, youth worker, counsellor, GP or another adult you feel safe with. You do not need to have everything figured out before asking for help. You could explain what the person does, how it makes you feel and what you are worried might happen. If speaking about it feels too difficult, you could write it down or send someone a message instead.
Try to pay attention to patterns in how someone treats you. It may help to write down what has happened, how you felt and what was said or done. Keeping notes can help you make sense of situations, particularly if someone regularly tells you that you are remembering things incorrectly or makes you question your own feelings. Keep any notes or messages somewhere safe if you are worried that someone might see them.
Where it feels safe to do so, think about your boundaries. You are allowed to say no, have your own opinions, spend time with other people and decide what you are comfortable with. You do not have to change everything about yourself to prevent someone else from becoming angry or upset. However, if setting a boundary could put you at greater risk, your safety comes first, and you can seek support from someone you trust instead.
Try to stay connected to people who make you feel safe and valued. Emotional abuse can sometimes involve isolating someone from friends or family, so maintaining supportive relationships can help you feel less alone and remind you that you are more than how someone else treats you.
Be kind to yourself. Being repeatedly criticised, controlled or put down can affect your confidence and make you start believing negative things about yourself. Try to remind yourself of your strengths, interests and qualities, and make time for activities that help you feel like yourself. You could write down things you are proud of, spend time with supportive people or do something you enjoy.
If someone repeatedly tells you that you are too sensitive, overreacting or imagining things, remember that your feelings are still valid. You do not have to prove that your feelings are reasonable before you are allowed to seek support.
If the situation is making you feel frightened or unsafe, speak to a trusted adult or professional about what is happening. If you are in immediate danger, call 999 or get to a safe place if you can do so safely.
How to help a loved one
If you are worried that someone you care about is experiencing emotional abuse, listen to them and take their concerns seriously. They may find it difficult to explain what is happening, particularly if the person abusing them has made them question their own feelings or memories. Let them know that they can talk to you without being judged or blamed. You could say, “I believe you,” “That sounds really difficult,” “You don’t deserve to be treated that way”, or “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Try not to tell them what they must do or pressure them to confront the person. Emotional abuse can involve control, and having someone else make decisions for them can make them feel even less in control. Instead, ask what support they would find helpful and allow them to make choices where it is safe for them to do so.
You can help them recognise patterns in the person’s behaviour. If they are unsure whether something is abusive, gently encourage them to think about how they regularly feel around that person. Do they feel frightened, controlled, constantly criticised, guilty or like they have to “walk on eggshells”? You can remind them that disagreements and mistakes are normal in relationships, but repeatedly controlling, humiliating, threatening or manipulating someone is not healthy.
If they are being gaslighted or made to doubt themselves, avoid telling them that they are imagining things or that they are simply being too sensitive. Listen to their experiences and reassure them that their feelings matter. If they want to keep notes about what is happening, you can help them organise these somewhere safe.
Emotional abuse can sometimes involve isolating someone from friends and family, so staying connected can be really important. Invite them to spend time together, continue doing activities they enjoy and remind them that they have people who care about them. Try not to make every conversation about the abuse; having some normality can help them feel like themselves again.
You can also offer practical support, such as helping them talk to a trusted adult, teacher, counsellor, GP or another professional. You could go with them to an appointment, help them think about what they want to say or help them find information about available support.
If you are worried that they may be in danger, seek appropriate help rather than confronting the person who is abusing them yourself. Confronting them could make the situation worse or increase the risk to your loved one. If there is immediate danger, call 999 or seek emergency help.
Myth Buster
Myth: “Emotional abuse only happens when someone is shouting or being aggressive.”
Truth: Emotional abuse can be obvious, such as shouting, threats or insults, but it can also be quieter and harder to recognise. It can include controlling, manipulating, isolating, humiliating, ignoring or repeatedly putting someone down.
Myth: “If they don’t hit you, it isn’t abuse.”
Truth: Abuse does not have to be physical. Someone can cause significant emotional harm through repeated threats, humiliation, manipulation, control or intimidation. Emotional abuse can have a serious impact even when there are no physical injuries.
Myth: “They’re just being sensitive.”
Truth: Everyone has different boundaries and experiences. If someone’s behaviour repeatedly makes you feel frightened, worthless, controlled or unsafe, your feelings matter. Being told that you are “too sensitive” can itself be a way of dismissing or undermining your feelings.
Myth: “It’s just a normal argument.”
Truth: Disagreements happen in healthy relationships, but emotional abuse involves repeated patterns of behaviour used to control, frighten, humiliate or undermine someone. An argument does not give someone the right to threaten, manipulate, insult or control another person.
Myth: “They didn’t mean to hurt me, so it isn’t abuse.”
Truth: Intent does not automatically remove the impact of someone’s behaviour. Someone may say they were joking, angry or did not mean what they said, but repeatedly hurting, frightening or controlling another person is still harmful.
Myth: “If they apologise, everything is fine.”
Truth: An apology can be meaningful, but it does not automatically undo a pattern of abusive behaviour. Healthy relationships involve taking responsibility, respecting boundaries and making genuine changes. If the same harmful behaviour keeps happening, an apology does not make the behaviour okay.
Myth: “If someone stays in an emotionally abusive relationship, they must be okay with it.”
Truth: Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely difficult. Someone may be frightened, financially dependent, isolated from others, worried about what will happen next or still care deeply about the person abusing them. Staying does not mean they deserve the abuse or that they are choosing to be treated badly.
Myth: “If someone is being emotionally abused, they will know it is happening.”
Truth: Emotional abuse can happen gradually, and the person experiencing it may not immediately recognise it as abuse. They may become used to the behaviour or start believing that they are the problem. It can take time and support to recognise unhealthy patterns.
Myth: “Gaslighting is just someone disagreeing with you.”
Truth: People can remember events differently or disagree about what happened without it being abuse. Gaslighting involves a repeated pattern of manipulation that causes someone to doubt their own memories, feelings, judgement or understanding of events.
Myth: “Emotional abuse doesn’t have a lasting impact because there are no physical injuries.”
Truth: Emotional abuse can have a significant impact on someone’s confidence, self-esteem, relationships and mental health. Someone may experience anxiety, low mood, difficulty trusting others, sleep problems or constantly feeling on edge. The absence of physical injuries does not mean that the harm is not real.
Myth: “You have to be certain that it is abuse before asking for help.”
Truth: You do not need to have the perfect words or be completely certain about what is happening. If someone’s behaviour is regularly making you feel frightened, controlled, humiliated, worthless or unsafe, you can talk to someone you trust and ask for support.
Support
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or you are worried about someone else, you do not have to deal with it alone. There are different people and services who can listen, help you understand what is happening and support you.
You could start by talking to a trusted adult, such as a family member, teacher, school or college staff member, youth worker, counsellor or another adult you feel comfortable with. If you are not sure who to talk to, you can tell someone you trust that you are worried about a relationship or situation and ask them to help you find the right support.
A GP or other healthcare professional can also provide support if emotional abuse is affecting your mental health or wellbeing. They can listen to your concerns and help you access further support if needed.
If the emotional abuse is happening within a family or dating relationship, specialist domestic abuse services can provide confidential information, advice and support. You can contact them even if you are unsure whether what you are experiencing counts as abuse.
If you are under 18 and are worried about abuse at home or elsewhere, you can speak to a trusted adult or contact a children’s safeguarding service. You do not need to be completely certain about what is happening before asking for advice.
You may also be able to access support through school or college counselling, youth services, mental health services or community organisations. Some services offer support by telephone, text or online chat if talking face-to-face feels difficult.
If someone is threatening you, controlling you or making you feel unsafe, it can help to tell someone rather than trying to manage the situation alone. If you are in immediate danger, call 999 or get somewhere safe if you can do so safely.
Therapy interventions
Experiencing emotional abuse can affect your confidence, self-esteem, relationships and sense of safety. You might experience anxiety, low mood, difficulty trusting people, feeling constantly on edge, or struggling to understand and manage your emotions. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to talk about what has happened, understand its impact and develop healthier ways of coping. Therapy is not about blaming you or changing who you are. The person responsible for the abuse is responsible for their behaviour. The type of therapy offered will depend on your age, experiences and what you are struggling with. Support may include:
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Helps you understand the links between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It can help you challenge negative beliefs about yourself and develop more helpful ways of responding to difficult situations.
- Trauma-focused therapy: Helps you understand and process experiences that have been frightening, upsetting or overwhelming, particularly when they continue to affect how safe you feel.
- Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR): Can help people process distressing or traumatic experiences that continue to cause emotional difficulties. It uses specific techniques to help you process difficult memories in a safe and supported way.
- Emotion regulation and coping skills: Can help you recognise and manage strong emotions such as anger, fear, sadness or anxiety. You may learn grounding, relaxation and other strategies to cope when emotions feel overwhelming.
- Attachment-based approaches: Can help you understand how difficult experiences may have affected your relationships and ability to trust or feel safe with other people.
- Counselling: Provides a safe, confidential space to talk about your feelings and experiences with a trained professional. It can help you make sense of what has happened and identify what support you might need.
You may not need a specific type of therapy, and you might be offered a different approach depending on your individual needs. A mental health professional can work with you to decide what would be most helpful.
Helplines
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is a service run by Refuge providing free, confidential support for women experiencing domestic abuse. It covers physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse, coercive control, safety planning and finding safe accommodation.
Phone: 0808 2000 247
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Live chat: Monday–Friday, 10 am–10 pm; Saturday–Sunday, 10 am–6 pm
Website: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
Women’s Aid
Women’s Aid is a charity working to end domestic abuse and support women and children affected by it. They provide information, resources and access to specialist domestic abuse services, covering issues including physical abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, safety and housing.
Phone: 0808 2000 247 – National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge)
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Website: www.womensaid.org.uk
Karma Nirvana
Karma Nirvana is a charity providing free and confidential support for people affected by Honour Based Abuse (HBA) and forced marriage. They support people experiencing physical or emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, threats, forced marriage and concerns about family or community pressure.
Phone: 0800 5999 247
Opening times: 9am–5pm, Monday–Friday
Email: Available through their website
Website: www.karmanirvana.org.uk
The Mix
The Mix is a charity providing free information, advice and support for young people on all sorts of issues that can affect their lives and wellbeing. This includes mental health, relationships, money, housing, work and education, drugs and alcohol, bullying, social media, family difficulties and many other challenges. They offer information and practical advice to help young people understand what they are going through, make informed decisions and find further support when they need it.
Phone: 0808 808 4994
Opening times: 11 am–11 pm, 7 days a week
Website: http://www.themix.org.uk
Crisis Messenger: Text THEMIX to 85258 – available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Victim Support
Victim Support is an independent charity providing free, confidential support for people affected by crime and traumatic incidents. They support people affected by issues including bullying, abuse, sexual violence, domestic abuse, hate crime and other crimes.
Phone: 0808 1689 111
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Live chat: Available 24 hours a day
Website: www.victimsupport.org.uk
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.giveusashout.org
Support For Us 