Dating

Summary

Dating and relationships can be an exciting part of growing up and getting to know yourself and other people. They can involve lots of different feelings, from happiness and excitement to nervousness, uncertainty or disappointment. Everyone experiences relationships differently, and there is no set age or timeline for when you should start dating.

Dating can include getting to know someone, spending time together, going on dates, talking online or developing romantic feelings for someone. Relationships can also look different for everyone, and what feels comfortable for one person may not feel comfortable for another.

As you start exploring relationships, it can be helpful to think about what you want from a relationship, how you want to be treated, your boundaries and what makes you feel comfortable and safe.

Consent

Consent means freely agreeing to something. In a relationship, you should always feel comfortable with what is happening and never feel pressured, frightened or forced. Consent applies to things like holding hands, kissing, touching, sexual activity and sharing intimate images. You can say no, change your mind or stop at any time, even if you said yes before. Being in a relationship with someone does not mean you automatically consent to anything, and you should never assume that someone wants something without checking. Consent should be clear, mutual and given freely by everyone involved.

Breakups

Breakups can be difficult, even when you know that ending the relationship is the right choice. You might feel sad, angry, confused, relieved or a mixture of different emotions, and these feelings can take time to settle. It is okay to end a relationship if it no longer feels right for you, and you don’t need to stay with someone because you feel guilty or worried about hurting their feelings. Give yourself time and space afterwards, and try to stay connected with friends, family and things you enjoy. If you are worried about how the other person might react, you don’t have to break up with them alone or in person — your safety comes first, and you can ask someone you trust to support you.

Healthy relationships

A healthy relationship should help you feel safe, respected, valued and able to be yourself. You won’t always agree with the other person, and every relationship has difficult moments, but you should feel able to talk about problems without being frightened or controlled.

  • Respect – You listen to each other, value each other’s feelings and respect differences in opinions, interests and boundaries.
  • Trust – You can trust each other without needing to constantly check where the other person is or who they are talking to.
  • Communication – You can talk honestly about your feelings, needs and worries, including when something isn’t going well.
  • Boundaries – You can say no or ask for space without being made to feel guilty, scared or pressured.
  • Independence – You can spend time with friends and family, enjoy your hobbies and have your own interests outside of the relationship.
  • Support – You encourage each other and celebrate each other’s successes rather than putting each other down.
  • Equality – Both people have a say in the relationship. One person shouldn’t always be making the decisions.
  • Safety – You feel physically and emotionally safe. You shouldn’t feel frightened of how the other person will react.
  • Consent – Both people freely agree to physical and sexual contact, and either person can change their mind at any time.
  • Being yourself – You shouldn’t feel like you have to change who you are, what you enjoy or how you look to keep someone happy.

Unhealthy relationships

Not every difficult moment means a relationship is unhealthy. People can argue, make mistakes and have disagreements. An unhealthy relationship is more likely to involve patterns of behaviour that leave someone feeling controlled, disrespected, frightened or unhappy.

This might include:

  • Controlling behaviour – Telling you who you can see, where you can go, what you can wear or what you can do.
  • Excessive jealousy – Becoming angry or suspicious when you spend time with other people or accusing you of cheating without reason.
  • Constant checking – Expecting immediate replies, demanding passwords or checking your phone, messages or social media.
  • Isolation – Trying to stop you seeing friends, family or other people who support you.
  • Manipulation – Using guilt, threats, silence or emotional pressure to get you to do what they want.
  • Disrespecting boundaries – Continuing to pressure you after you’ve said no or ignoring what makes you uncomfortable.
  • Put-downs – Regularly insulting you, embarrassing you or making you feel like you’re not good enough.
  • Threats or intimidation – Making you feel frightened about what might happen if you disagree, leave or don’t do what they want.
  • Pressure around sex or intimacy – Making you feel that you owe them sex, physical affection or intimate images.
  • Blaming you for their behaviour – Saying things like “You made me do this” or “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t make me angry.”
  • Making you responsible for their emotions – Expecting you to manage their anger, jealousy or happiness.
  • Physical or sexual harm – Hitting, pushing, restraining, touching someone without consent or forcing sexual activity.

One difficult moment doesn’t automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy. What matters is the overall pattern and how the relationship makes you feel. If you regularly feel frightened, controlled, pressured or unable to be yourself, it’s important to talk to someone you trust.

How to help myself

Starting a relationship can feel exciting, but it can also bring lots of new feelings and questions. Take your time getting to know the other person and think about what feels comfortable for you.

  • Take things at your own pace – There is no rush to become more serious, spend more time together or do anything you’re not ready for. A healthy relationship shouldn’t make you feel pressured.
  • Be yourself – You shouldn’t have to change your personality, appearance, friendships or interests to make someone like you. A good relationship gives both people space to be themselves.
  • Talk openly – Try to be honest about how you feel, what you want and what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you should be able to talk about differences respectfully.
  • Set boundaries – Think about what you are and aren’t comfortable with, including physical affection, texting, social media and spending time together. You can say no at any time, even if you’ve said yes before. Consent and respect work both ways. If the other person says no or seems uncomfortable, listen to them and give them space. You should expect the same from them.
  • Keep your own life – Continue spending time with friends and family, enjoying your hobbies and doing things independently. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to spend all your time together.

Arguments

Arguments are a normal part of relationships. You won’t always agree with someone, and it’s okay to have different opinions or feel annoyed with each other. What matters is how you handle disagreements. Try to talk about what has upset you without shouting, insulting or threatening each other. If things are getting too heated, it’s okay to take some time apart and come back to the conversation when you’re calmer. You can also use things like writing down how you feel, taking some deep breaths or talking to someone you trust to help you work through your emotions. Remember that you can apologise when you’ve made a mistake, but you don’t have to accept being shouted at, threatened, controlled or hurt.

Breakups

Breakups can be painful, even when you know ending the relationship was the right choice. Give yourself time to feel whatever comes up — you might feel sad, angry, relieved, confused or all of these at once. Try to stay connected with friends and family, keep doing things you enjoy and give yourself some space from the person if you need it. Avoid constantly checking their social media or messaging them if this makes you feel worse. You don’t have to stay friends straight away, and you don’t owe someone continued contact after a relationship ends. If you’re worried about how they might react to the breakup, put your safety first and ask someone you trust to support you.

Knowing the signs of a bad relationship

Sometimes it can be difficult to recognise when a relationship isn’t healthy, especially when you really care about the person. Pay attention to how you feel around them and how they treat you. If you regularly feel frightened, controlled, pressured, guilty, isolated or like you can’t be yourself, this could be a sign that something isn’t right. Things like excessive jealousy, checking your phone, controlling who you see, putting you down, ignoring your boundaries or pressuring you into things you don’t want to do are also warning signs. 

You don’t need to wait until something becomes serious or have proof that your relationship is unhealthy before asking for help. Talk to someone you trust, such as a parent or carer, friend, teacher, youth worker or another adult you feel safe with. They can help you think through what’s happening without judging you. If it feels safe, you can set boundaries, take some space from the relationship or talk to the other person about how their behaviour is affecting you. However, you don’t have to confront someone if you think they might become angry, threatening or violent; your safety comes first. If you decide you want to end the relationship, ask someone you trust to support you and think about where you will feel safest. If someone is controlling, threatening, hurting or sexually pressuring you, seek support from a trusted adult or professional. 

Safe sex

Exploring relationships and sexual feelings can be a normal part of growing up, but it is important to make choices that are safe, consensual and right for you. You should never feel pressured to have sex or do anything sexual because you are in a relationship, because your friends are doing it or because someone says you have to prove that you love them. Consent is essential. Everyone involved should freely agree to what is happening and feel able to say no or change their mind at any time. Being in a relationship, having had sex before or saying yes to one thing does not mean someone has consented to everything else.

If you are sexually active, condoms can help protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs), while contraception can help prevent pregnancy. Different types of contraception work in different ways, so speaking to a sexual health professional can help you find out what options are available and right for you. It’s also important to think about sexual health and testing. Many STIs do not cause obvious symptoms, so getting tested can be important if you’ve had sexual contact that could have put you at risk. Sexual health services can provide confidential advice, testing and contraception.

Nudes and intimate images are another thing that young people in relationships may come across. Never feel pressured to send a nude or sexual image, and never pressure someone else to send one. Once an image has been sent, you cannot control what happens to it or who sees it. For under-18s, creating, possessing or sharing sexual images of children can also have serious legal and safeguarding implications. If someone is pressuring, threatening or blackmailing you for sex or sexual images, this is not your fault. Don’t deal with it alone — speak to a trusted adult or professional who can help keep you safe.

How to help a loved one

If someone you care about is exploring a relationship, you can support them without making their decisions for them. Give them a safe space to talk openly and ask questions without worrying about being judged. Listen to what they want from the relationship, help them think about their boundaries and remind them that they don’t have to rush into anything. Encourage them to keep spending time with friends and family and doing things they enjoy outside of the relationship. You can also help them recognise what a healthy relationship looks like, including respect, trust, communication, independence and consent.

If you are worried about their relationship

If you think someone’s relationship may be unhealthy, try not to pressure them to leave or criticise their partner, as this can sometimes make them less likely to talk to you. Instead, gently share what you’ve noticed and ask how they feel about it. You could say, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed worried lately. Is everything okay?” or “I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Listen to them and take their concerns seriously, even if they aren’t ready to make changes yet.

If they are experiencing controlling behaviour, threats, violence, sexual pressure, exploitation or abuse, help them access appropriate support. You can help them speak to a trusted adult, school safeguarding lead, GP, social worker or specialist service. If they want to leave, you can help them think about a safe plan, such as where they can go, who they can contact and who can support them. Avoid confronting their partner yourself if this could put you or the young person at risk.

Most importantly, keep the door open. Someone may not be ready to talk or leave straight away, and they may return to the relationship more than once. Let them know that you will still be there for them and that they can come to you without being judged. If they are in immediate danger, call 999.

Myth Buster

Myth: Jealousy is always a sign of love.
Truth: Feeling jealous can be a normal emotion, but using jealousy as a reason to control someone isn’t healthy. Telling you who you can talk to, checking your phone, demanding to know where you are or becoming angry when you spend time with other people can be controlling behaviour.

Myth: Constant checking is always caring.
Truth: It’s healthy to be interested in each other’s lives, but you should still have privacy and independence. If someone expects you to constantly share your location, reply immediately, prove where you are or give them access to your accounts, this may be a sign of controlling behaviour.

Myth: Feeling guilty means you’ve done something wrong.
Truth: Someone might use guilt to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. Statements like “If you loved me, you would…” or “After everything I’ve done for you…” can be ways of manipulating someone rather than communicating openly.

Myth: You are responsible for another person’s harmful behaviour.
Truth: Everyone is responsible for how they manage their emotions and behaviour. You are not responsible for someone shouting at you, threatening you, hurting you or controlling you, even if you have disagreed with them or made a mistake.

Myth: An apology automatically makes harmful behaviour okay.
Truth: People can make mistakes and genuinely apologise, but repeated harmful behaviour followed by apologies can become a pattern. A meaningful apology should be followed by changed behaviour, not just promises that it won’t happen again.

Myth: Being someone’s partner means you have to kiss, touch or have sex with them.
Truth: You never owe anyone physical or sexual contact. Consent is needed every time, and you can change your mind at any point.

Support

Not every relationship difficulty needs therapy. Sometimes talking to someone you trust, learning communication skills or getting practical advice can be enough. Therapy may be helpful when relationship difficulties are affecting someone’s mental health, confidence, safety or ability to manage everyday life.

  • Talking to someone you trust – A trusted friend, parent, carer, teacher, youth worker or another adult can provide a safe space to talk through relationship worries and help someone think about their options.
  • School or college support – A teacher, pastoral worker, counsellor or safeguarding lead can help with relationship difficulties, bullying, peer pressure or concerns about someone’s safety.
  • Sexual health support – Sexual health services can provide confidential advice about contraception, STIs, consent and other questions about sexual relationships.
  • Practical and safety support – If a relationship involves controlling behaviour, threats or abuse, a trusted adult or professional can help someone think about how to stay safe and access appropriate safeguarding support.

Therapy

  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – Can help someone understand and challenge unhelpful thoughts about themselves, relationships or rejection, while developing healthier ways of coping.
  • Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) – Focuses specifically on relationships and communication, helping someone understand relationship difficulties, manage conflict and cope with changes such as breakups.
  • Family Therapy – Can help family members communicate more openly, understand each other’s experiences and work through difficulties together.
  • Emotion regulation support – Helps someone recognise and manage strong emotions such as jealousy, anger, anxiety, sadness or fear of rejection.
  • Self-esteem and confidence work – Can help someone develop a stronger sense of self and feel more confident setting boundaries and making their own choices.
  • Assertiveness and communication work – Helps someone communicate their feelings, needs and boundaries, practise difficult conversations and learn how to express themselves respectfully.
  • Trauma-focused therapy – May be offered when someone has experienced abuse, violence, coercion or another traumatic experience within a relationship. It can help them process what happened and manage ongoing emotional effects.
  • Couples or relationship therapy – For young people, this would depend on their age, circumstances and the service available. Where appropriate and safe, relationship-focused work can help people improve communication and understand each other’s needs. However, relationship therapy is not appropriate where there is abuse or coercive control, as the priority in those situations is the safety of the person experiencing harm.

Helplines

Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.

Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk

For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted 

NSPCC

NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk

Brook

Brook is a charity providing free and confidential sexual health and wellbeing support. They cover issues including relationships, contraception, pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual health, mental health and wellbeing, abuse and violence, and substance use.

Phone: Contact your local Brook service
Opening times: Vary by local service
Website: www.brook.org.uk

Shout

Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.

Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.giveusashout.org

Samaritans

Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.

Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: http://www.samaritans.org

Kooth

Kooth is a free online mental health and wellbeing service for young people. It offers a safe and confidential space where young people can access information, read helpful resources, take part in online discussions and receive support from trained professionals. Kooth can help with all sorts of issues that may affect young people’s mental health and wellbeing, including stress, anxiety, relationships, bullying, family difficulties, low mood and other challenges they may be experiencing.

Website: www.kooth.com
Online support: Available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year
Live chat with a practitioner: 12 pm–10 pm Monday to Friday; 6 pm–10 pm Saturday and Sunday

CEOP

CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection) is a service from the National Crime Agency that helps protect children and young people from sexual abuse and exploitation online. They provide information and advice about online sexual abuse, grooming, sexual exploitation and staying safe online.

Website: www.ceop.police.uk
Report: Online reporting form available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week