Summary
Having a problem at school can feel difficult to deal with, particularly if you are unsure who to speak to, worried that people will not believe you, or concerned about what might happen after you tell someone. You might be experiencing bullying, friendship problems, problems with a teacher, difficulties with schoolwork, anxiety, low mood, problems at home, worries about your safety, discrimination, or something else that is affecting you.
You do not have to wait until a problem becomes overwhelming before asking for help. If something is regularly upsetting you, affecting your concentration, making you dread going to school, affecting your friendships, interfering with your learning or making you feel unsafe, it is okay to speak to someone.
You do not need to have a perfect explanation of what is happening. Sometimes you might know that something is wrong without being able to explain exactly why. A trusted adult can help you work through what is happening and think about what support might be useful.
It can be helpful to prepare before you speak to someone. Making notes about what has been happening can help you organise your thoughts, remember important details and feel more confident when you have the conversation. You can also write down what you want to ask for or what you hope will happen next.
Think about who you would feel most comfortable speaking to. This could be your form teacher, a teacher you get on well with, a head of year, pastoral staff, a school counsellor, a school nurse, a safeguarding lead, a Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) member of staff or another trusted adult.
You can also decide whether you would prefer to speak to someone by yourself or have a friend or another trusted person with you. There is no right or wrong choice. The important thing is finding a way of asking for help that feels manageable and safe for you.
How to help myself
You do not have to wait until you are completely overwhelmed before asking for support. Think about whether something at school is affecting your mood, anxiety, sleep, concentration, attendance, schoolwork, friendships, confidence or sense of safety. You might notice that you are regularly worrying before school, avoiding particular lessons or people, feeling sick or anxious in the morning, finding it difficult to concentrate, becoming more withdrawn or feeling exhausted after being at school. You may also notice that you are spending a lot of time thinking about something that happened, worrying about what might happen next or trying to work out how to avoid a particular situation. These can all be signs that something is having an impact on you and that it may be worth talking to someone.
Before speaking to an adult, it can be useful to make some notes about the problem. You do not need to write a long explanation. Even a few key points can make the conversation easier. You could write down:
- What has been happening
- When it happened
- Where it happened
- Who was involved
- How often it has happened
- What was said or done
- Who else may have seen or heard it
- How it made you feel
- How it has affected you
- What you have already tried
- What you would like help with
For example, if you are experiencing bullying, you might note the dates and places where it has happened, what the person has been doing, whether it has happened more than once and how it has affected your willingness to attend school. If you are struggling with your mental health, you could note changes in your mood, sleep, appetite, concentration, motivation or anxiety and when you started noticing these changes. You do not need to remember every detail. Write down whatever you think is important.
If something is happening repeatedly, keeping a record can help you identify patterns. You could use a notebook, diary or another private way of recording what has happened. For example, you could note the date, what happened, where it happened, who was involved and whether you reported it. This can be particularly useful when you are experiencing repeated incidents because it can be difficult to remember individual events when there have been lots of them. Keep your notes somewhere safe and private. You do not need to put yourself at risk to collect information or evidence.
Depending on the situation, there may be information that helps explain what has happened. This could include messages, emails, screenshots, schoolwork, letters or other relevant information. If something is happening online, screenshots may be useful when reporting it to an adult or school. Do not put yourself at risk by confronting someone or continuing a conversation simply to collect evidence. You can ask for help without having evidence. You do not need to prove that something is happening before you are allowed to tell someone.
It can be helpful to write down the main things you want the adult to know before the conversation. You could write a few sentences such as:
- “I have been struggling at school and I need some help.”
- “Something has been happening that is making me feel unsafe.”
- “I am finding it difficult to explain this, so I have written it down.”
- “I am worried about something that has been happening repeatedly.”
- “I don’t know what I need, but I know that I am struggling.”
You can take your notes with you and read from them if you become nervous. You can also give your notes to the adult and let them read them if speaking feels too difficult. You do not need to sound confident or explain everything perfectly.
Think about who you feel safest talking to. This might be your form teacher, a teacher you get on well with, your head of year, pastoral care, a school counsellor, school nurse, safeguarding lead, SEND staff or another member of staff you trust. You might already have a good relationship with a particular teacher, even if they do not normally deal with the type of problem you are experiencing. They can still be a good person to approach because they can help you identify who else might need to be involved. If your problem involves a particular teacher or member of staff, you do not have to report the issue to that person. Choose another adult you feel safe talking to. If you are not sure who to approach, you can simply tell any trusted member of staff that you need help. They can help direct you to the appropriate person.
You can choose whether you want to speak to an adult by yourself or have someone with you. You might feel more comfortable going alone because you want privacy or find it easier to speak without someone else listening. Alternatively, having a friend with you may make the conversation feel less intimidating. They could walk with you to the meeting, sit with you while you speak or help you remember what you wanted to say. You could also ask another trusted adult to support you if that would make you feel more comfortable. Think about what would make the conversation easiest for you rather than what you think you are “supposed” to do.
If you are worried about other students hearing what you have to say, ask the adult whether you can speak somewhere private. You could approach them at the end of a lesson, send them a message or email, or ask for an appointment. You do not have to explain the whole situation in front of other people just to arrange a conversation.
It is understandable to worry about what will happen after you tell someone. You can ask the adult what will happen with the information you share and who may need to know. School staff may need to share information if they are concerned about your safety or the safety of someone else. They should be able to explain what they need to do and why. You can ask questions about this before or during the conversation if you are worried.
Sometimes people minimise their problems because they worry that they are making a fuss. If something is having a significant impact on you, tell the adult. Explain if you are struggling to sleep, feeling anxious about coming to school, missing lessons, avoiding people, struggling to concentrate, feeling unsafe or finding it difficult to cope. You do not need to make the situation sound worse than it is, but try not to minimise it either.
You do not have to know exactly what the solution should be. You can tell the adult what you think would help if you have an idea. You might want someone to speak to another student, help you manage a difficult situation, provide emotional support, arrange a quiet space, help with schoolwork or connect you with another service. If you do not know what you need, say so. You can say, “I don’t know what you can do, but I need some help with this.”
If you are unsure what will happen next, ask. You could ask:
- “What happens now?”
- “Who else will I need to speak to?”
- “Will someone check in with me again?”
- “What support can the school offer?”
- “What should I do if this happens again?”
- “Who should I contact if things get worse?”
- “Can I bring someone with me to the next meeting?”
Knowing what will happen next can make the situation feel more manageable.
You do not have to start the conversation face-to-face if that feels impossible. Depending on your school, you may be able to send an email, write a note, use an appropriate school communication system or ask another adult to help you approach someone. You could also ask a friend to help you start the conversation. Once you have told someone that you are struggling, you can work out the rest together.
Sometimes the first person you speak to may not understand the situation or may not be the right person to help. This does not mean that your problem is not important or that you should stop asking for help. If you feel that your concerns have not been taken seriously, speak to another trusted adult. You can explain that you have already asked for help and what happened afterwards. Keep asking until you find someone who can help you access the appropriate support.
How to help a loved one
If a friend or someone you care about tells you that they are struggling at school, give them an opportunity to explain what is happening. You do not need to immediately offer solutions. Sometimes having someone listen without judging can be the first thing they need. Take what they tell you seriously, even if you do not fully understand the situation.
Ask them whether there is someone at school they would feel comfortable talking to. This could be a form teacher, a teacher they get on well with, pastoral staff, a head of year, school counsellor, school nurse, safeguarding lead or another trusted adult. If they are unsure, you could help them think through which adults they already feel comfortable around.
If they are nervous about talking to someone, offer to help them make notes. You could help them write down what happened, when it happened, how often it has happened and how it has affected them. You could also help them think about what they want to ask for or what they want the adult to know. Practising what they want to say can make the conversation feel less intimidating.
Ask whether they would like you to accompany them. You could walk with them to the member of staff, wait outside the room or sit with them during the conversation if this is appropriate.Let them decide what they would prefer. The purpose of your support is to help them feel more comfortable, not to take over the conversation.
You may be worried about your friend and want to know exactly what is happening, but they have a right to decide what they feel comfortable sharing. Encourage them to seek help without repeatedly questioning them for details. If there are concerns about their safety, however, it is important to involve an appropriate trusted adult rather than keeping serious concerns secret.
If someone tells you that they are being seriously harmed, abused, exploited, threatened or are thinking about suicide or self-harm, you should not promise to keep this entirely to yourself. You can explain that you care about them and want to help them get the right support. Tell a trusted adult or appropriate professional if there is a serious concern about their safety.
Asking for help is only the first step. Your friend may continue to feel worried while the school works out what support is needed. Continue checking in with them and ask how they are doing. You do not need to repeatedly ask for details about the problem. Sometimes simply spending time together or helping them feel normal can be useful.
If your friend says that they told someone but nothing has changed, encourage them to speak to another trusted adult. You could help them explain what has happened since they first asked for help and what support they still need. Do not take responsibility for fixing the situation yourself. Adults and professionals at school should be involved when a problem requires intervention.
Supporting a friend can be difficult, particularly if you are worried about their safety or wellbeing. You are allowed to have boundaries. You do not need to be available constantly or solve their problems yourself. If you are worried about them, speak to a trusted adult. Getting help for someone does not mean that you have betrayed them.
Myth Buster
Myth: You have to wait until a problem becomes really serious before asking for help
Truth: You can ask for support as soon as something is affecting you. You do not need to wait until you are completely overwhelmed.
Myth: You need to know exactly what is wrong before speaking to someone
Truth: You can ask for help even if you are confused about what you are feeling or cannot fully explain what is happening. A trusted adult can help you work through it.
Myth: You have to speak to your form teacher
Truth: You can choose another trusted adult if you feel more comfortable with someone else. This could be a teacher you get on with, pastoral staff, a school counsellor or another appropriate member of staff.
Myth: You have to go to the meeting alone
Truth: If appropriate, you can ask whether a friend or another trusted person can come with you. Having someone you trust nearby can make it easier to speak.
Myth: You have to explain everything perfectly
Truth: You can use notes, write things down beforehand or ask someone to help you explain. You do not need to find the perfect words.
Myth: You need evidence before you can tell someone
Truth: You can ask for help based on what you have experienced. Evidence such as messages or screenshots may sometimes be useful, but you do not have to prove that you are struggling before you can ask for support.
Myth: Asking for help means you are causing trouble
Truth: If something is affecting your wellbeing, safety or education, asking for support is appropriate. You are not wasting someone’s time by telling them that you are struggling.
Myth: If you tell a teacher, everyone will automatically find out
Truth: You can ask the adult what will happen with the information you share and who may need to know. If there are concerns about safety, staff may need to share information with appropriate people to protect you or someone else.
Myth: If the first person does not help, there is nothing else you can do
Truth: If you do not feel listened to or supported, you can approach another trusted adult and explain what has happened. It is okay to keep asking for help.
Myth: You should be able to sort out friendship problems yourself
Truth: Some disagreements can be managed between friends, but you can ask an adult for help if a friendship problem is making you feel unsafe, distressed or unable to cope.
Myth: Asking for help means you are weak
Truth: Recognising that you need support and taking steps to get it can be an important part of looking after yourself.
Myth: You have to deal with school problems on your own
Truth: There are adults at school whose role includes supporting students with difficulties. You do not have to manage everything by yourself.
Support
Your school should have a range of adults and services that you can approach when something is affecting your wellbeing, safety or education. The exact support available will differ between schools, but there are usually several people you can speak to.
Your form teacher may be a useful first person to approach, particularly if you already have a good relationship with them. They may be able to listen to your concerns, help you understand your options and direct you towards another member of staff if necessary.
A teacher you get on well with can also be a good person to approach. They do not have to be your form teacher or the person who teaches the subject connected to your problem. Feeling comfortable with the person you are speaking to can make it easier to explain what is happening.
Pastoral care or your pastoral team may be able to provide support with emotional wellbeing, friendships, attendance, behaviour, family difficulties and other issues affecting school life. They can also help coordinate support within school.
Your head of year or another senior member of pastoral staff may be appropriate if a problem is ongoing, particularly if you have already tried to get help or the issue is significantly affecting your education.
A school counsellor may be able to offer a confidential space to discuss emotional or personal difficulties, depending on the service available at your school. They can help you explore how you are feeling and identify ways of managing difficulties.
A safeguarding lead should be contacted if you are worried about abuse, neglect, exploitation, serious threats, violence or another situation where you or someone else may not be safe. You do not need to investigate the situation yourself before telling someone.
A school nurse or other healthcare professional may be able to help if your difficulties involve your physical or mental health. They can also help you understand whether further healthcare support may be appropriate.
If you have Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND), you may also be able to speak to the member of staff responsible for SEND support at your school. They may be able to discuss adjustments or additional support that could make school more manageable.
Your GP can provide support if your difficulties are affecting your mental or physical health. They can assess what is happening and discuss whether further support or referral to another service may be appropriate.
If you are experiencing significant mental health difficulties, you may be able to access local mental health services depending on your age, needs and circumstances. Your school, GP or another healthcare professional may be able to help you identify appropriate services.
If you are experiencing bullying, discrimination, harassment or abuse, tell a trusted adult. You do not have to confront the person responsible yourself. School staff can help you understand what options are available and what steps can be taken to keep you safe.
If you are struggling to attend school, tell someone rather than simply disappearing from lessons or avoiding school without support. Anxiety, bullying, mental health difficulties, SEND needs, family circumstances and other problems can all affect attendance, and support may be available.
If schoolwork is becoming difficult because you are struggling emotionally, physically or because of another problem, let your school know. Depending on your circumstances, they may be able to consider adjustments or additional support.
If you have already asked for help and the problem continues, tell someone again. You can explain what you reported, what happened afterwards and what has not changed. You can ask what the next steps are and who else can help.
Therapy interventions
Therapy can provide a safe space to talk about difficulties that are affecting your school life, wellbeing or relationships. It can help you understand what you are experiencing, develop ways of coping and build strategies for managing difficult thoughts, feelings and situations. The type of support offered will depend on your individual needs and what is available through your school or local services.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – CBT helps you understand the links between your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours, and can help you develop more helpful ways of managing difficulties such as anxiety, low mood, worry and stress.
- Counselling – Counselling provides a confidential and non-judgemental space to talk about things that are worrying you. It can help you explore your feelings, understand difficulties and consider ways of coping with problems affecting your school or personal life.
- Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) – SFBT focuses on what you would like to change and the strengths and resources you already have. It can help you identify practical steps towards managing a problem and working towards your goals.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – ACT can help you recognise and accept difficult thoughts and feelings without allowing them to completely control what you do. It focuses on developing psychological flexibility and taking steps towards things that are important to you.
- Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – DBT teaches skills for managing strong emotions, coping with distress, improving relationships and responding to difficult situations more effectively. It may be particularly helpful when emotional difficulties are significantly affecting everyday life.
- Family Therapy – Family therapy can help when difficulties at school are connected to family relationships or when the whole family is affected by a problem. It can support communication, improve understanding and help family members work together.
- Psychoeducation – Psychoeducation involves learning more about mental health, emotions, stress and other difficulties you may be experiencing. Understanding what is happening can help you recognise signs that you are struggling and identify ways of managing them.
- School-based support – Support does not always involve formal therapy. Your school may offer pastoral support, mentoring, wellbeing sessions, counselling or other interventions that can help you manage difficulties and stay engaged with education.
Helplines
Samaritans
Samaritans is a charity providing emotional support to anyone who is struggling to cope or needs someone to talk to. They are there for people experiencing all sorts of difficulties, including stress, anxiety, loneliness, relationship or family problems, bereavement, feeling overwhelmed and concerns about mental health or suicide.
Phone: 116 123
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Opening times: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.samaritans.org
Childline
Childline is a free service for young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. The service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Childline is available to anybody who is 18 years old or younger.
Phone: 0800 1111
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
You can also find helpful resources, speak to a counsellor online or send a message on their site.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
For adults concerned about a child, the NSPCC can be contacted
NSPCC
NSPCC is a children’s charity that works to protect children and prevent abuse and neglect. They provide support and advice for adults about child abuse, neglect, child safety, online safety and children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Phone: 0808 800 5000
Opening times: 10 am–4 pm, Monday–Friday
Email: help@nspcc.org.uk
Email opening times: 11 am–4 pm, 7 days a week
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
YoungMinds
YoungMinds is a national charity supporting the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people. They provide information, advice and support for parents and carers who are concerned about a young person’s mental health, and help people understand mental health difficulties, find appropriate support and access useful resources. Their Parents Helpline can provide information, advice, emotional support and signposting to other services.
Parent helpline: 0808 802 5544 (9:30 am – 4 pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9:30 am – 6 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Email: parents@youngminds.org.uk
Webchat: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline/
Shout
Shout is a free, confidential text messaging service that provides support to anyone who is struggling to cope. It can help with a wide range of issues, including stress, anxiety, low mood, loneliness, relationship difficulties, bullying, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and other mental health challenges.
Text: SHOUT to 85258
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Website: www.giveusashout.org
NHS 111 (Option 2)
NHS 111 is an NHS service providing urgent medical and mental health advice and support. It can help with mental health concerns, emotional distress, anxiety, low mood, suicidal thoughts and other urgent health problems.
Phone: For mental health support, call 111 and select the mental health option (option 2).
Opening times: Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Mind
Mind is a mental health charity providing information, advice and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties. They cover a wide range of mental health and wellbeing issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, loneliness, coping with difficult experiences and managing everyday life. Mind provides information to help people understand what they are experiencing, know their rights, find appropriate support and feel less alone.
Phone: 0300 123 3393
Opening times: 9am–6pm, Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays)
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is a charity providing support for people who are struggling with their mental health or experiencing emotional distress. They support people with issues including low mood, anxiety, loneliness, stress, suicidal thoughts and difficult life experiences.
Phone: 0800 58 58 58
Opening times: 5pm–midnight, every day
Webchat: 5pm–midnight, every day
WhatsApp: Available through the CALM website
Website: http://www.thecalmzone.net
